Well, this is it...
I'll be documenting our journey home on a daily basis. Since the four of us are
confined to the cab of a truck for over eight hours a day, our interaction with
each other will remain comical...I hope! :-)
Day 1 Valdez, Alaska to Beaver Creek, Yukon
Beaver Creek proudly announced that it was the westernmost settlement in Canada.
I can't say there is anything else here to brag about. We are only of only FOUR
vehicles registered in the campground tonight.
Although I remembered to wish my wife a happy anniversary this morning, that was
the only good thing that happened. The roads were pure hell today... It would be
fairly easy to drive a vehicle up here as long as you weren't towing anything.
However, the dips in the road caused by the permafrost are insane. Our average
speed was 60 km/h so you can imagine what little progress we made. PLUS, one
entire stretch of highway in Alaska was almost constantly under construction. I
don't know how those workers holding the "Stop" and "Slow" stick don't go stir
crazy with boredom. I would personally practise my lightsaber techniques or at
least try to impale every second insect that walked by me on the ground.
The pilot car in a construction zone is something that really baffles me. How
does following some guy in a truck help you navigate the road? I think most
human beings would have enough common-sense to avoid machinery ten time the size
of their own car coming straight at them. I really feel sorry for the pilot car
driver. He experiences the same scenery over and over all day long. It must be
like Fred and Barney Flintstone driving around Bedrock City passing the same
cloud, tree and house every few seconds.
As we approached the border, we actually discovered a shack that labelled itself
as the Duty-Free Store. Our other two Alaskan border crossings on this trip did
not have such a luxury. While inside, we discovered it really was just a shack.
A very burly man busy trying to consume an Eat-More candy bar while watching
wrestling on a T.V. adjusted to maximum volume greeted us enthusiastically. He
tried to sell us fossilized moose poop at a fraction of the cost that gift shops
do. We did buy a case of beer and to our surprise had to arrange to receive the
beer from him at the actual border. He closed up his shack and zoomed off. This
was indeed the most informal duty-free purchase we've ever encountered.
The Canadian customs were actually 20 miles into the Yukon. This makes no sense
to me whatsoever. This meant that a criminal, vagrant, terrorist or professional
athlete could easily drive into our country without even going through customs!
My parents has issues with border crossings. My mother enters panic mode when we
approach any international border. She furiously searches for identification,
receipts from buys made, eyeliner and mascara. My father in the meantime worries
if the agent will be a woman. Well, the agent was a women and my mother
incorrectly calculated the total of all goods purchased. As the customs agent
asked my father the usual questions, he answered with the usual hesitations.
This always puts my mother over the edge and she blurts out revised answers from
the back-seat. By this point, the trailer and my parents are completely
searched. Mary and I were offered an alternative ride home if we wished.
Day 2 Beaver Creek, Yukon to Whitehorse, Yukon
I have to talk about my mother and her umbrella. She fiercely protects her hair
from natural elements. That means when she enters the trailer, the open umbrella
must accompany her. As you can imagine, she cannot completely enter the door
with the open umbrella. This creates anxiety and my mother becomes irritable.
Finally, she is able to close the umbrella but not before scratching the
doorway, bending the umbrella and deflecting rain water into the trailer.
My father opening the bathroom door without warning was another issue I have to
bring up. The construction of this trailer has many faults but the worst is
there is no bathroom door lock. It was only a matter of time before the door
would fly open by his immense strength and a hapless, defenceless, completely
exposed human being would be sitting there. In this case it was me. Enough
said...
My father just said one of his most profound comments, "If someone shuts the
power off, the whole human race will go stupid." He was of course referring to
my mother using her make-up mirror to put curlers in her hair, Mary using the
T.V. to watch Batman Forever (one of the worst movies ever made) and of course,
myself using this laptop. That, ladies and gentleman is my father at his best...
Of course, now he's watching the movie as well...
My father of course, always sets off the car alarm on the truck. His keychain
has a horn feature on it and he somehow manages to apply enough pressure on it
at least 8 times a day. Fortunately, he is active at the same hours most of the
campground residents are, so he never wakes anyone up except Mary and I of
course.
Today was just as bad as yesterday. The roads continued to be terrible. We only
made it Whitehorse, 500 km away in 8 hours. Nothing to report about the drive,
just endless construction. Hopefully tomorrow's drive will be quicker...
Day 3 Whitehorse, Yukon to Muncho Lake, British Columbia
A very easy drive! Roads have improved dramatically! Beautiful campsite beside
Muncho Lake! The colour of the water here is emerald green. We ate hot dogs
tonight. Mary did not. She claims hot dogs are made from lips, tongues and
arseholes. My father over-barbecued and my mother commented on my father's
wiener. "It looks shrivelled Gerry." We still ate hot dogs tonight...
Day 4 Muncho Lake, British Columbia to Dawson Creek, British Columbia
I almost threw up today. I do not handle curvy roads well at all. This was our
first official curvy road believe it or not... Dawson Creek was kind of neat
since it signifies the start of the Alaska Highway. Most travellers take
pictures before they start this trek...we took pictures at the end of our
journey. Kind of anticlimactic so we bought ourselves an ice cream cone at Dairy
Queen to compensate.
Day 5 Dawson Creek, British Columbia to Edmonton, Alberta
Our first major city besides Vancouver on this trip...we have finally come out
of the bush. Mary and I were quite relieved since we are city slickers anyways.
My father yearned to grow as much bodily hair as possible and jump back in the
bush. My mother was just glad a Costco was nearby so she could buy hair curlers
in bulk.
Mary and I decided to greet civilization again by heading to the world's largest
mall after supper. We were greeted with thousand of teenagers who had a look in
their eyes that they knew we were teachers. Soon they would have to face us
again! :-)
Day 6 Edmonton, Alberta to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
We face our last night together in the trailer tonight. Miraculously, we all got
along for the most part. Mary has not disowned her in-laws and I am still proud
to admit they are my parents.
The drive was so straight today you could indeed tie a rope to the steering
wheel. The Canadian Prairies are famous for that.
Day 7 Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to Winnipeg, Manitoba
I'm still writing this on Day 6 so forgive me if I assume what will happen
today. Mary and I will not have Internet access at my parents' place in Winnipeg
so this report will be the last until we return home to Ottawa about a week
later.
This journey was of biblical proportions... 40 days and 40 nights (I'm not
kidding...we left July 3rd from Winnipeg with my parents)... 7 days to get home
from Valdez, Alaska...my parents thanking God everything time I shut up...and my
wife telling me to go to hell if I sang or whistled any more. However...
I would like to thank both my parents for being such great sports with these
E-mails. I would also like to thank them for the use of their trailer and truck.
I'm glad tire wear and thousands of miles were piled on their vehicle, not ours.
I'm also glad my father handled the sewage everyday. Don't worry folks...Mary
and I will take them out for pizza...
Oh, and remember... A large chunk of the material I used to write the reports
was taken as a result of my mother and father's actions. The truth was spoken
during all of these E-mails. However, like every trip report, I managed to
manipulate the truth quite often.
Thanks to all of you for enduring these long E-mails. Judging from the numerous
responses I've received, I'd say most of you have enjoyed them. Mary and I will
be taking our next journey during the Christmas holidays. We have not decided
where to go. Perhaps some input from all of you?
You may be getting one more E-mail about the remainder of our Bahamas journey
(taken in March) if I get a chance when I get home to Ottawa. I've realized the
best time to write these reports is during the vacation, not afterwards.
Otherwise it never gets done.
Enjoy the rest of your summers! I hope to hear from all of you soon!
Stephen Pankiewicz
