Hi Folks!
Get this...I'm in a campground about 200 miles northeast of Anchorage,
Alaska...it is barely 15C outside and I'm frying instead this stupid trailer. My
mother has decided that the air is far too moist for her liking and has been
running the hair dryer on her hair (wrapped in curlers of course) for over 3
hours now. Although it is practically Hades in here, she also requested that my
father turn on the FURNACE. My toenails have wilted, my bald head has shrivelled
and my clothes are on fire. At least I won't need the microwave to make my
popcorn tonight.
Okay, so our campground in Anchorage... It advertised itself as having a great
location close to downtown. They were not lying ... we were in the industrial
warehouse district. The grocery store up the road had an armed guard, the trains
ran two feet away from our trailer, the world's largest seaplane airport decided
to route the planes directly overhead and our neighbors on either side were only
two feet away. The old timer beside us had powerful gas that shook my mom's
curlers off the table. The old timer on the other side of us had a yippy dog (coincendently,
also with gas). The bathroom shower had discolouring on the floor that looked
like human puke after too much creamed corn. The bathroom cleaning staff were
all missing their two front teeth and wore nothing but lumberjack overcoats
accompanied by torn underpants.
My father of course was up in arms. He attempted to contact the US armed forces
to clear the entire campground and hired the security guard from the grocery
store to shoot the yippy dog. My father does not tolerate human beings in close
quarters other than his family and some friends. His wish would be to relocate
to an abandoned shack 5000 km from the nearest settlement and live off
home-brewed beer, rye bread and sandwich meat for the rest of his life.
Unfortunately, even Alaska can't live up to that expectation anymore...
To my father's astonishment one evening, he discovered that his watch was not
only running a day too quickly but was also indicating the wrong day of the
week. After spending enough time for the earth to make one rotation adjusting
it, he realized he had not yet changed his watch from Winnipeg time to Alaska
time. Winnipeg is three hours ahead of Alaska and thus midnight had already
struck...
We were treated to a clear day where we saw numerous angles of North America's
tallest mountain, Mount McKinley. It was an awesome sight. I forced the family
to stop around every other kilometer to witness this magnificent mountain. My
father and I had explored Denali National Park in the morning but to our dismay
learned we needed to ride in a school bus to access most of the park. This is
not a comfortable vehicle for anyone over six feet tall. Our head usually
connect with the roof and our shoulders span the width of the bus and connect
with both windows. Considering it cost over $80.00 to ride it, we decided to
drive as far into the park as we could instead. Wow, a whole 14 kilometers...We
did see some wildlife which is what the park is famous for. The ptarmigan is the
stupidest bird ever created and we caught a glimpse of one attempting to eat a
sign in the parking lot.
So we escaped our campground in Anchorage and drove south on a stunning highway
along the fjord to a place called Whittier. We have never seen so many
snow-capped mountains and glaciers from the highway in our lives. The weather
progressively got worse and soon the skies darkened enough to do the same to my
father's mood. We had to drive through a mountain tunnel (the longest in North
America) to access the port of Whittier on Prince William Sound. The tunnel was
only wide enough to allow one direction of traffic on the hour and the other
direction at the bottom of the hour. If a train came through, no traffic was
allowed. As our turn came to drive through, hapless tourists who thought they
could sneak through on foot and avoid the toll were found plastered against the
walls of the tunnel serving as a testament never to be cheap...
So the weather on the Whittier side of the tunnel was really bad news. The
clouds touched the ocean. I guess locals call it fog. Then the rain started...
Our main purpose to drive to Whittier was to take a glacier cruise. Pamphlets
that you see of Alaska always promote ice-blue glaciers alongside crystal clear
water, chunks of ice with seals barking on them and hundreds upon hundreds of
cute otters dotting the water lying on their backs. Despite the weather, WE DID
SEE ALL OF THAT! It was by far one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen
in nature. More on that in a later paragraph...
HOWEVER, we arrived in Whittier a bit early ( FOUR HOURS) due to my parents
rising every morning at an ungodly hour. Whittier itself is a deserted secret
army base that now houses its 200 residents in army barracks converted into tiny
condos. There is NOTHING TO DO in Whittier ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS RAINING. There
were three restaurants in town. The first had 7 different kinds of fungi growing
on most tables and the second blared bad heavy metal over the intercom. The
third was deemed acceptable by my parents. We all ordered clam chowder which was
quite tasty. Afterwards the ladies scoured the 3 gift shops in town while my
father and I wandered around and got soaked. We all hid under a gazebo for the
remaining hour while waiting for the cruise. The only excitement come when my
mother assisted a bewildered tourist who couldn't operate her umbrella.
The cruise itself was a huge catamaran that held 300 passengers. It was quite
the operation. They fed us a lunch that consisted of fried halibut (the texture
of the fish resembled toffee), fruit (that must have been canned for 200 years),
coleslaw (with mayonnaise that had gone so bad it had a warrant for its arrest)
and garlic bread stick (that was so sweet it must have been soaked in all the
juices from the fruit). We saw nothing but clouds and the occasional mountain
until we floated up to the glaciers. These glaciers create their own
microclimates. Although the temperature was close to freezing, it cleared the
fog well enough to see these amazing sights. "Calving" is when a piece of ice
breaks off from the glacier and falls in the ocean. We witnessed that a number
of times. The seals stared at us and didn't even move until the last minute. The
otters were playfully swimming about. The tourists were the stupid ones to
watch. Every time the view was better on the opposite side of the boat, they
would stampede to it! Some of the staff collected chunks of ice in a net and
hauled them aboard. Tourists could then line up and have their turns touching
the ice. I doubt there were any Canadians in line for that attraction.
We drove back to the evil campsite and barricaded ourselves inside. The next
morning the women shopped around Anchorage. My father found a fly-fishing store
and was very content. I looked for a stuffed sea-otter for my beautiful wife.
She has now fallen in love with them and wants one as a pet. I believe caring
for one would be highly impossible and illegal.
So we drove east for the first time on this trip. We didn't bother staying in
the Anchorage area or driving south to Seward and Homer because the forecast was
for heavy rain. I guess that officially means we are beginning to head home. We
will be making a sidetrip to Valdez though. For those of you who recognize that
name, it was where a tanker named the Exxon Valdez spilled a great deal of oil.
Since then, Valdez has supposedly really cleaned up though. It is called the
"Little Switzerland of Alaska".
We are in the most scenic campground so far on the trip tonight. There is a
rushing river, the spots are all private and the woods are dark green and dense.
I finally built a campfire (I love fires...they are the most calming thing to
watch in the world) and we had a great supper of fresh salmon and beer. Thanks
for reading folks! Until next time!
Steve
