Before I begin, two memorable quotes from this trip come to my
mind. One concerns Asian (in this case Cantonese) cuisine and the other concerns
the view of Canada from an Asian’s perspective.
Okay, the cuisine one, “The Cantonese eat anything with four legs except tables,
anything that swims except ships and anything that flies except airplanes.” (as
quoted from a Marco Polo travel guide) Folks, Asian cuisine was the biggest
adventure of our entire trip…
Now the view of Canada… I was in a “mini world” near Bangkok, Thailand that
miniaturized many famous human-built landmarks around the world. Some examples
were the Sydney Opera House, the Eiffel Tower and the Statue of Liberty. I was
appalled that not one Canadian sight was represented. I vented my frustration to
our Korean host who gently smiled, opened his arms to the numerous majestic
trees around the park and simply said, “That is Canada.”
If that is how our world’s most populous continent views our country, I am
content with that. Ladies and gentleman, put on a pair of fuzzy slippers, curl
up within your favourite chair and be forewarned. Europe and the Caribbean have
nothing on cultural shock compared to what the Asians deliver.
Day 1 The Joys of commuting through Montreal / Pizza consumption etiquette
Montreal’s signage system on their highways was designed by a two year old. The
only reason we decided to fly out of this miserable excuse for an airport was a
cheaper flight. Unfortunately, our poor taxi driver/neighbour, Earl suffered the
brunt of our cheapness. Whoever heard of airport access being midway through a
tunnel in a lane you are not allowed to cross into once you enter the tunnel. Of
course the signage to the airport directing you to that tunnel conveniently
appears halfway through the tunnel… Are you following me? We ended up angrily
touring Montreal and all its crumbling infrastructure until we finally decided
to ignore the signs and find our way using gut instinct.
Of course a power failure completely disrupted flights that evening. Thankfully
we didn’t have to fly out until the next morning so we smugly watched the chaos
as we checked in early. The only prestigious dining establishment in the
airport, Burger King was crying out in panic since their poutine could no longer
be served hot to the Quebecois.
We settled in at the Hilton airport hotel. This hotel provided us with an
Olympic-sized swimming pool and a startling view of the runaways, some heading
straight for our picture window.
Supper consisted of take-out pizza where Mary took it upon herself to teach me
proper dining etiquette. She wanted to prep me so I didn’t embarrass her in
front of our Korean hosts. Men of the world, listen carefully! Do not, I repeat,
do not stuff more pizza in your mouth until you have finished consuming the
first bite (which in itself should be no more than the size of an Oreo cookie).
Females balk at male pizza consumption no matter what stage of a relationship
you are in with them. You are not even spared visual and verbal abuse when you
are married.
Day 2 Seventeen hours of flying = watching Blades of Glory 7 times
Okay, maybe we’ll pay 500 bucks more a ticket to fly more directly to Korea next
time. Our first stopover was Chicago after a short 2 hour flight from
direction-illiterate Montreal. As I approached the re-ticketing counter at our
gate in Chicago. I promptly stood on my tippy-toes, cocked my head innocently
sideways, raised my eyebrows and smiled with my lips slightly pursed. It works
every time folks…I got the emergency exit once again. I had so much room on the
flight from Chicago to Toyko that all food carts on the Boeing 777 could (and
were) conveniently stored in front of me. This was also the area where 300
people congregated to stretch their legs or wait for the bathroom. It was
actually quite fascinating watching people wait in varying degrees of
discomfort.
We had our own personal T.V’s where we could pick which movie we wanted to
watch. Unfortunately, this freedom of choice was not a good plan for someone
with ADHD. I managed to catch bits of each available movie 8 times over the
course of the 13 hour flight. Only Blades of Glory was kind enough to have a
plot easy enough to follow when you miss 80% of the movie.
Mary was not beside me. She was placed at the bulkhead, which is of course where
screaming babies plot to take over the flight crew. Her sullen eyes were enough
for me to avoid eye contact for the entire flight.
Our flight plan took us over Milwaukee, Duluth, Winnipeg, Northern Saskatchewan
and Alberta, Whitehorse, Anchorage, the Aleutian Islands, Siberia and finally
Toyko. The Alaskan mountain view was a scene out of a postcard. As I watched the
world unfold under me, Mary continued to glare from the bulkhead.
We crossed the international date line with no fanfare whatsoever. I didn’t feel
one day older at all. Mary sure did with the screaming bulkheadbabies.
Day 3 Still flying / Sushi Rip-off / Arrival in Seoul
Toyko’s airport was extremely civilized, unlike Chicago’s mess. We caved and
bought sushi while waiting for our connecting flight to Seoul, South Korea. It
cost more than our plane ticket. The eel and fish egg variety were almost worth
the price. We will re-visit Japan when it loses the title of most expensive
country in the world…
The final stretch of our journey, a two hour flight to Seoul, South Korea was
horrible. Somehow I did not secure an emergency exit seat. What upset me the
most was the inability to watch the small T.V. screen front of me. As usual, an
inconsiderate passenger in front of me reclined without asking. I was able to
consume the T.V. without moving my head if I so desired. The turbulence caused
me to spill tomato juice all over myself and render my enjoyable previous flight
from Chicago to Toyko a distant memory. However, we made it halfway around the
world in one piece…
Two of our hosts, (Sun-Ju and Hyun-Seung…try saying those names five times fast)
happily greeted us at the airport. Hyun-Seung was the Korean exchange student
that lived with Mary and I during the 2005/2006 school year. Sun-Ju is her older
sister whom I taught in my music classes at St. FX. The girls systematically
hauled our tired bodies onto a beautiful airport shuttle that carried us into
the heart of Seoul, one hour away. Their father had booked us a beautiful
apartment residence overlooking the city. It was quite a treat. They girls left
to bring us back some supper. We then experimented with the Korean way of
showering…
Folks…when you see a drain outside of a shower stall, you know something will be
different. As I paddled my canoe out of our bathroom after my heavenly shower,
we understood. Korean showers are meant to soak the entire bathroom. As we
discovered later on, if there is a barrier between the showerhead and the rest
of the bathroom, it does not serve any useful purpose. We had wondered why
plastic shoes (which coincidently only fit my big toe) were always available
outside the bathroom door… I guess Koreans don’t want to get their feet wet
after exiting a shower. However, soaking the toilet, walls, sink, medicine
cabinet and any dangerous electrical outlet was completely acceptable.
We frantically bailed water thinking we had screwed up somehow. What would the
girls think upon their return? Finally, we gave up and closed the bathroom door
creating a mini tsunami. The girls did return and did not venture into the
bathroom. Korean bladders seem to be roughly 10 times as strong as Canadian
ones. I don’t ever recall seeing them venture into any bathrooms for the entire
trip…
They brought, to our surprise, very westernized fried chicken. However, the
accompanying side dish was radishes. I guess they were trying to ease us in
slowly to start experiencing the exotic culinary choices that we would encounter
in subsequent days… In awe, we watched a television channel where a studio
audience observed teenage boys playing video games. I couldn’t contain my
excitement…neither could the studio audience as they shouted and screamed.
I was still shaking from excitement as Mary and I finally lay down our heads to
sleep in the Asian continent for the first time. We had been awake straight for
over 30 hours and needed to assess why a video game channel seemed so
fascinating to us.
Day 4 Something is in the air…
The girls left us to our own devices the following morning so we promptly found
a bank and exchanged our money. We have not used any form of mental math other
than what buttons to press on a calculator since high school. However, we were
quite proud to discover that by moving the decimal point three digits to the
left on any price in Korea, we were able to convert it roughly to a dollar
amount. It still felt like payday when I received 100,000 Won for 100 American
dollars…
We discovered a market and humidity at the same time right outside our
residence. This was a “dry” market. Thank goodness it was not a “wet” market or
our unaccustomed senses would have forced us to fly home immediately. The smell
of dried sea-life (and please remember…this constitutes ANYTHING that lives in
the sea) combined with 100% humidity, combined with the heavy air pollution,
nearly caused Mary to pass out. We were soaked in sweat, exhaust fumes and the
smell of seafood within 10 minutes. We hastily retreated to the hotel in
excitable shock.
I have discovered that allowing my wife to sleep whenever the mood strikes her
is a wise idea. As Mary recovered from experiencing the seafood carnage, I
listened to traditional Korea music on our stereo system. Yes, not only was our
apartment equipped with a personal lake, we had a washing machine, wall to
ceiling windows (on a very high floor), fridge, stove, couch and a security
system that trapped us in our room on every other attempt. However, all
electrical appliances only worked when our lone keycard was in the slot.
Therefore, every time we returned to our room, we were bathed in noxious
humidity and oppressive heat.
I decided to venture out again and discovered that indeed most residents of
large Asian cities lived vertically. There were no yards or gardens unless they
were on the rooftop of an apartment complex. Entire streets were full of
independent businesses that sold the same thing. I was lucky enough to find the
scooter street… Chain stores were nowhere to be found except, get this,
7-Eleven’s! They were everywhere in every Asian country we visited!
A taxi, with the girls in it, picked us up at noon. Entering a Korean taxi
turned into quite a game as the trip progressed. I always took the front seat
thereby reacquainting my knees to my face. On the glove compartment was a
licensed picture of our driver. That was my first look at the driver as I
attempted to re-adjust my limbs to configure an area smaller than a traditional
fireplace. Once uncomfortably inside, I turned my head left to match the picture
to the driver. They were always identical, even to the facial expression, void
of emotion. Only once did the driver actually turn his head back to me and beam
a smile that rendered his glove compartment picture obsolete.
Our first official meal was fairly tame. As I ate the shrimps (after removing
their heads) and drank the green tea, I felt ready to tackle any food that came
my way. Dumplings were also served. The batter always covered up the mystery
meat inside. They were tasty… I think all human beings would eat most food if
they didn’t have to look at it. Unfortunately our sense of sight consistently
overrides the curiosity we feel as directed by our senses of smell and taste…
Get this, for dessert we have ice cream smothered in red beans. Everyone shares
the same dishes in Korea so Mary and I, the girls and two of their cousins who
accompanied us, dug in to a huge bowl. The concept of double dipping does not
exist in Korea. This indicated the first of many utopian dining experiences for
the average Canadian male. Noodles, before I forget to mention later, can be
consumed with the face right in the bowl. They are then shoved into the mouth
until they reach the end of the line. Somehow, pizza etiquette doesn’t seem as
important anymore!
One of their cousins who asked to be called “So” prepared an English letter to
welcome us and introduce herself. It was quite impressive and very welcoming! I
assumed her grasp of the English language was fairly competent so I proceeded to
explain the theory of relativity. After that, we communicated in hand signals.
The weather continued to transform our sultry Canadian bodies into fleshy silly
putty. The Koreans didn’t even break a sweat although we couldn’t really tell
since most of their skin was covered up by long sleeves, pants and head
accessories. Korean men avoid shorts and facial hair. None of them seem to be
bald either. The women all seem to have perfect skin and professionally applied
make-up. NO one in Asia is overweight, which caused Mary to curse her enlarged
posterior and condemn all the petit female Korean posteriors to a fate worse
than hell.
We toured a traditional Korean village where our hosts proceeded to fan us
everywhere we went. Of note was a women pounding in rhythm an article of
clothing against a hard slab of rock. This was how ironing used to be done… We
even had our names translates into Korean. I was renamed Parc-Sue-Bon while Mary
was renamed Parc-Mar-Lee. We have the Asian characters written down on paper to
prove it!
Unlike adults, children in Korea still feel the need to cool off so we watched
as hundreds of kids pranced around random shooting streams of water. If I hadn’t
already been soaked in sweat, I would have joined them…
Friendship between girls in Korea involves holding hands. Although a typical
North American male may salivate at this concept, it actually was a sight I
became accustomed to. The men did no such thing to my relief.
All Asian countries seem to be much kinder to the blind. There are perforated
paths that guide them alongside every pedestrian area. For those lucky enough to
have vision, glaring neon signs at a Las Vegas intensity level seem to guide
most people where they wanted to go. And get this… all subway station tracks can
never be accessed by the public. There are additional glass walls with sliding
doors that only open when a train arrives. This is to prevent suicide jumpers.
The stations themselves are meticulously clean and some walls are decorated like
the inside of a cave.
So dinner was amazing… our first Korean barbeque. I was overjoyed to sit in
front of a hot flame at my table after enduring humidity, smog and heat all day.
It was worth the discomfort though… Imagine king sized strips of bacon fried and
then wrapped in sesame leaves with garlic, mushrooms, veggies and god knows what
else. Then I was allowed to stuff it all in my mouth and again not worry about
the horrendous “pizza etiquette” I had to endure a few days earlier. The steroid
induced bacon strips were cut with scissors (supplied at EVERY Korean meal).
Dessert was cold noodles and the beverage of choice was beer mixed with rice
wine.
After dinner we had to work off the food so we went to a Karaoke bar. Most
Westerners imagine a neon-lit bar filled with hundreds of excited Asians
cheering on whatever psychopath manages to make their way on stage. Not so.
Karaoke is a very private affair. The six of us were booked into a small
soundproof room where we proceeded to howl for each other. Rather intimate I
must say. I chose Van Halen’s Jump and Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell, which completely
dated myself among all the others. Fortunately, there were tambourines available
that completely useless singers such as myself were demoted to once ears started
to bleed.
Day 5 The alien sun / Excessive fermentation / Floors are not comfortable
The last day I’ll chronicle in this first report decided to increase the
humidity to 110%. The rain, however, never came. Meanwhile, the sun was actually
pleasant to look at with the naked eye. I’m not kidding... The thick layer of
smog was held fiercely in place by the humidity and lack of wind. That
combination created a mysterious orange orb in the sky…
I started sweating after taking three steps outside. A new record I must say.
Thankfully, major intersections in Seoul seem to give up directing pedestrians
so we were forced underground to endure glorious air conditioning. A whole sub
culture exists in these underground pedestrian crossings including entrepreneurs
selling everything you don’t need.
We toured our first palace in the heart of Seoul and were thoroughly impressed.
A ceremonial band with unusual instruments such as large conch shells and drums
big enough to fill the void in Lindsay Lohen’s head, filled the air with rather
unusual music.
All around the palace grounds, large insects emitted a rather threatening mating
call that resembled a deep electrical hum. Most Koreans were oblivious to this
white noise while Mary and I seemed to run for cover at the sight of the first
loose electrical wire.
We entered an air conditioned folklore museum. The most memorable exhibit for me
was how Koreans used to cure smallpox… they stood on knife blades. Apparently
the infliction of immense pain drove away all infection…
We also learned the history of Kimchi, the Korean national dish. The Germans and
their sauerkraut have nothing on the rotted cabbage of the Koreans. This humble
vegetable whom North Americans associate more with rolling and farting is held
in much higher regard by the Koreans. They will preserve it using red pepper
paste for one to three years. Most households actually have Kimchi fridges that
help the cabbage age. Mary and I became quite the connoisseurs of this unique
dish. It is served at EVERY meal, usually in a small pot and is impossible to
pick up with chopsticks…
Allow me to digress…chopsticks. I am mechanically declined as most of you know.
The ability to manipulate two simple sticks to retrieve items as small as a
sesame seed (as demonstrated boastfully by one of our hosts later on the trip)
seemed to elude my comprehension. In fact, I was lucky if I could pick up a deep
fried chicken ball with one of these contraptions. What made it worse was that
Mary was very competent with the usage of these evil twigs so you can imagine
how bad it made me look…
Back to Kimchi… if I actually managed to pick up a strand of this stuff, someone
else had to appear with scissors to cut off the excess. If this highly
nutritious vegetable actually made it to my mouth, I was very proud. Kimchi can
also be in the form of radishes, onions and even garlic.
Yes, the Korean food (and I will be talking about it many times) is delicious
and very spicy. So delicious and spicy in fact that beverages are not required
unless requested. Usually water will be the main delicacy in that department.
However, you are not allowed to pour your own beverage. You must wait until
someone notices your eyebrows have caught on fire before any relief is found.
Koreans also find the concept of napkins quite absurd and hardly ever use them.
Their chopstick techniques are so refined that nothings needs to be touched by
hand and nothing ever falls on their laps. Meanwhile, the Canadian slobs somehow
managed to find Kleenex at every meal, which was as functional as using toilet
paper to clean up spilled chilli.
Koreans also have not invented chairs yet so you usually sit on the floor to eat
your meals. This makes serving staff look like runaway Godzilla’s. We must
always leave our shoes at the door before entering these dining establishments.
Serving staff routinely make sure these shoes are lined up perfectly if we
choose not to do so ourselves. Curiously, every time I left the restaurant, I
found a horde of Korean press along with a representative from Guinness taking
pictures of my footwear.
Sitting cross-legged without back support is a great way to remind yourself how
useless your untrained muscles really are. Somehow I always managed to find a
wall to lean onto leaving my wife to fend for herself. The worst part of sitting
on the floor is trying to get up afterwards. Restaurant staff always thought
firecrackers were set off as I re-adjusted my spine to resume its normal duties.
Lunch on that particular day consisted of 27 vegetable side dishes (half of them
Kimchi-style) that are always refilled without charge. Apparently the Japanese
charge… Also on the menu were Korean style pancakes and a very delicious soup…
For dessert we manage to find candies that consisted of 16,000 strands per
piece. We saw them made right on the street… An old Korean man sitting nearby
motioned for me to come over and sit with him. Five minutes later I left a very
bewildered-looking old man who was now educated about my profession, age, height
and especially weight.
Koreans seem to very take care of their homeless population. We never saw any
except one find young gentleman who violently smashed a full beer bottle on the
pavement as we approached. Mary had a small glass shard fly into her leg, which
was not pleasant. Fortunately, she recovered quickly.
We saw a most impressive martial arts/comedy show entitled Jump. Gravity was not
an issue for these multi-talented performers. What really impressed us was how
much they appreciated the audiences’ applause and how they all appeared for over
a ½ hour after the show for autographs. They have been doing this show twice a
day for numerous months now. This show will be opening up in New York City in
the fall.
Supper was on the floor again and consisted of a dismantled chicken covered in a
very heavy, brown, sludgy and extremely spicy sauce. We walked past an unusual
market after supper (first of many…) where women would all be cooking their
individual meals in kiosks with bar-type seating surrounding them. Usually one
of the most prevalent dishes served was squid and octopus. More on that later on
in this report.
We took a pleasant walk in diffused sunlight along a stream that carved its way
beneath the roaring traffic of the city. This was a nice reprieve. Later on, we
entered a French Baguette store of all places and played a game of memory. My
ADHD prevented me from finding even two identical cards. We learned that Koreans
tolerate visitors sitting in some of their restaurants even if they do not order
anything…
We found that stream again and followed it under the night sky illuminated from
countless skyscrapers and endless neon lights. The city of Seoul and the
surrounding metro area is listed as the second largest city in the world on many
Internet sites. The country itself has almost 50 million people in an area the
size of New Brunswick. We would discover how the Koreans cope with this
incredible population density as we explored the country further.
To end this first instalment of the Asian trip report, I’d like to quote
something from a former student of mine whose family hosted the older sister,
Sun-Ju here in Canada. He talked about spicy Korean food forcing him to endure
the “Ring of Fire” Now we understand…
