Day 12 The race to the airport
Today we drove north back to Seoul to catch a flight to Bangkok. It felt more like we flew. Our host gunned his KIA minivan down the incredibly sleek Korean freeways usually 60 km/h over the speed limit. Every so often he braked hard sending remnants of a Korean boy’s feeding frenzy catapulting towards the windshield. Apparently, the braking technique was a direct result of his superior knowledge regarding radar cameras. With this style of Grand Prix driving, there was no such thing as a fast lane since every other driver seemed to be lethargic. He took us on an alternative route so Mary and I could see more of the countryside. Alas, this also got us lost… Fortunately, a friendly Korean guided us as we followed his mini-truck to the main airport artery.
I noticed some incredible B.O. as we travelled in the van today. All the Old Spice in the world couldn’t cover up the fact that Korean humidity seemed to have permanently soured my Costco Coolmax shirts. Although Mary and I brought quite a large suitcase to replenish our stinky clothes, our hosts packed very light. Koreans seem to be the fittest citizens on the planet and the most odourless.
There was a bit of drama at the airport since our host’s passport was slightly ripped. However, he cleared customs without incident. Mary and I explored the immense airport and managed to only purchase a duty-free chocolate bar. There was a restaurant with live eels swimming in the tank nearby but we decided to chance it with airplane food.
The flight to Bangkok was scheduled to be over 5 hours long but somehow I secured an emergency exit seat once again. We left late at night on China Eastern Airlines and didn’t settle into our hotel in Bangkok until 3:00 a.m. in the morning. Breakfast was at 6:00 a.m. We were about to endure the most rigorous travel itinerary of our lives.
Day 13 Life experiences only travel in exotic countries can offer
Breakfast was indeed very early. Out host had packed a huge duffle bag of Korean food in case we ran into questionable food in Thailand. Obviously, he was not too pleased with the breakfast buffet as Korean food began to emerge from the famous duffel bag. The breakfast food in the hotel didn’t really appeal to us visually so Mary and I graciously accepted his offer of Korean fare.
The interior of our tour bus was decorated with the most garish colours ever to assault the human eye. We only had 13 of us on this tour so it was quite a private bus. Our tour manager was very young and seemed very energetic and dynamic. We had no idea what he was saying but his smile reassured us. Thankfully, the girls served as occasional translators since our guide’s knowledge of English was non-existent.
As we drove away from our hotel, we noticed colourful shrines everywhere to the king and queen of Thailand. All the taxis around us were bright pink. All the civilian cars around us were Japanese. We learned many other tidbits through translation as we drove to our first tourist attraction. Some Thais believe dogs are reincarnated family members. All the hydro and light poles along the highways are square so snakes can’t slither up them. The Thai flag is about 100 times more visible than a U.S. flag would be in the States (and that is no small feat). More amazing facts in report #9!
So we visited the Royal Palace along with a swarm of very determined tourists. The palace buildings were the most ornate and spectacular architecture I have ever seen in my life. All buildings had precious gems and 14K gold squares covering them. Inside one temple was an Emerald Buddha. However, any kind of decent photo was nearly impossible unless you wanted half the world’s population in it as well. Mary and I really experienced our first example of tourist mismanagement and how it can damage instead of enhance the world’s treasures. Sadly, numerous buildings already showed evidence of greasy and greedy fingers that would accelerate their inevitable demise. The primary religion in Thailand is Buddhist (90%) so this mistreatment of a sacred place for the sake of profit was shameful in our eyes. On the bright side, hundreds of Thai schoolchildren wandered the grounds as well celebrating their last day of school. They were dressed in traditional ware that served as a visual relief to the throngs of pushy tourists that unintentionally commanded most of our attention.
Then I had a dilemma. We were required to be in long pants to visit the temple of the Emerald Buddha. This of course only accelerated the function of my sweat glands. However, there was no place to change into the freedom of shorts once we exited the palace grounds. I decided to take my chances and change within a busy market. Fortunately, I wasn’t wearing offensive underwear, so I attracted little attention save for a small mangy dog that sniffed at my feet.
We zoomed through the market a bit fast for my taste (our guide seemed to have an agenda that did not allow for any diversion) and piled on a boat. If Bangkok wanted to romanticize the Venetian gondola, this unreasonable facsimile was not going to cut it. These flimsy wooden boats were steered in the same manner as their Italian counterparts but were equipped a rather offensive uncovered diesel engine instead of a singing Italian. We meandered in and out of the view of expensive hotels and dilapidated shantytowns where shacks precariously balanced on wooden beams right over the water. The only wildlife left, our guide explained, were catfish cleaning up all the untreated sewage that found its way into the ecosystem.
We docked at a very steep Buddhist temple. The climb along the exterior was almost straight up and rather unnerving. There was no common North American disclaimer such as “proceed at our own risk.” This place was a lawsuit waiting to happen Proper handrails were nowhere that could help to prevent a fall. The thrill was awesome though akin to chasing raccoons off your own roof at 3:00 a.m. in the morning. (More on that story some other time)
We ate at (supposedly) the world’s largest restaurant. It had a kitchen enclosed in glass the size of a school gymnasium right in the middle of it. Although our host’s Korean rations once again made an appearance, Mary and I happily consumed the flavourful Thai food releasing its fine aroma around us. The squid in peanut sauce dish was one of our favourites! The serving staff flew around on roller skates and didn’t seem that surprised when they saw the Koreans at our table happily eating Kimchi. In fact, the whole restaurant was full of Koreans.
We drove south of Bangkok on our way to a resort town called Pattaya. We stopped at a rest area and were surprised to find nothing but Korean products for sale. It seemed a bit peculiar to us like the restaurant but we thought nothing more of it until later.
Upon our arrival in Pattaya we were whisked to an attraction called Mini-World. I mentioned this attraction in Asian Trip Report Part 1. I had quoted my host after complaining to him that no Canadian attraction was evident. I managed to take quite a few photographs here giving the illusion that the Sydney Opera House was indeed next to the Tower of London.
We ate within the park and consumed a traditional Thai seafood soup with many other Korean tours. The serving staff seemed quite pre-occupied with my appearance though and made no attempts to hide it. They simply sat at the table across from us and stared straight at me for one hour. I took a picture of their staring but they didn’t flinch. Mary couldn’t eat the soup since she was scared scallops (which she is allergic to) might have been floating in it. Fortunately, the famous duffel bag made its predictable appearance to meet her needs.
And then came the greatest culture shock of this trip, hands down. We shuttled away to a live Vegas-style show in a nightclub right on the beach. Although I didn’t mention it to Mary, I enjoyed watching the incredibly gorgeous, slender, and athletic women lip-synch and dance their way though various cultures. When the belly dancing segment started, the Indian men in the audience when wild. However, they jaws crashed to the floor like mine did once they realized that every single performer on stage used to be a man.
As the story goes, Thai mothers would raise their sons as girls so they wouldn’t get conscripted. Eventually, some of these men enjoyed their costumed gender so much that they decided to match it anatomically once and for all. Their penises were inverted and their breasts enlarged through medication. In fact, every part of their bodies would become feminine except for their hands. I nearly threw up and vowed never to look at another she-male in Thailand again. I chuckled to myself when I watched unsuspecting Western males happily disappear around every alleyway with a prostitute. These she-males, because they were now a “she,” preferred heterosexual intercourse (if that makes any sense) FIVE PERCENT of the Thai population has chosen this lifestyle folks…
We thought the day was over but it had merely begun. Close to midnight I experienced my first Thai massage. That deserves a separate report. Until next time!
