Hi folks...
On 3/21/2005 at 10:30:13 PM Eastern Standard Time I promised all of you an
E-mail within 72 hours. I regret to announce that I lied. Finally, after 576
hours of eating, sleeping and for the most part, teaching, I sit here once again
ready to write this third trip report. My apologies to those of you who have
been waiting at your computer screens this whole time. At least you were able to
download every single screen saver available eagerly attempting to interpret the
satanic message behind each one of them...
Back to the story...
Day 2
Mary discovered, to her horror, that ventilation in our hotel bathroom meant an
open window beside the shower. I was given prompt instructions to hang a towel
over the open window to detract any curious onlookers. This towel decided to
succumb to the temptation of gravity and Caribbean breezes at least three times
during every shower she took. I was often harshly ordered to run back outside
and re-acquaint the towel with the window. Eventually Mary concluded that her
privacy was not comprised. A curious onlooker would have to literally mould
themselves against the motel wall to even catch a glimpse of her naked shoulder.
I meanwhile proudly showered and waved to the maids as they walked by. Due to my
height, the maids could catch a glimpse of my nipple if they wanted to.
The walls of our hotel were constructed with paper-mache by a third grade art
class. This allowed us during our first night to enjoy the serene atmospheres
created by our neighbours. To the left was a British lady who stirred her tea
all night, to the right was a South Carolina couple re-enacting the Civil War
and up above... well... let us just say that furniture shuffleboard was a new sport
that they deserve credit for inventing!
Our hotel was kind enough to offer a grocery run every morning. All we needed to
do was tolerate a driver who claimed he was Plutonian. Yes, he was convinced he
was conceived in the outer reaches of our solar system. I managed to keep a
conversation going with him but the British teaspoon-clanking lady behind us in
the van was mortified. The Plutonian managed to guide the van to a large grocery
store instead of over a cliff. As we arrived at our destination, we were hastily
told we had 20 minutes. He was not kidding...
Alas, no piped-in elevator music played during our grocery selection process.
Instead, we were blessed with the intercom blasting the latest sermon of the
local preacher. If that didn’t motivate you to buy broccoli, what did?
Everything was triple the price except for Australian cheese. At 99 cents a
pound, it was difficult to resist buying it although we soon found out it tasted
like conch.
Eventually, we bought wonderfully nutritious breakfast and lunch items like
Sidekicks, canned tuna, canned soup, Chef-Boy-This-Is-Disgusting, Swanson
Hungry-But-Not-Crazy-Enough-To-Eat-This-Crap-Unless-We-Are-Too-Damn-Lazy-To-Cook
Dinners and $10.00 cereal boxes…
We spend the afternoon snorkeling. As you all know by now, Mary and I are avid
snorkellers! However, Mary has a limit to how far she will swim to find a reef.
If any seaweed, even a remote strand blocks our way, she will refuse to swim
across it. This is coming from the same wonderful woman who will surround rice
and raw fish with the very same seaweed and happily consume it. (Sushi for those
of you live strictly on the breakfast/lunch diet as mentioned above). I decided
to swim out to where I saw some waves crashing, hoping it would be a short swim.
After waving at a passing ocean liner and crossing the Tropic of Cancer, I
concluded the reef was too far. I happily settled for a smaller reef and was
treated to a wide array of beautiful, tropical fish whose relatives can be found
in any dentist's office.
To my horror, my head was completely sunburned upon our return to our room. We
had used SPF 45,000 sunscreen to avoid the relentless solar radiation but
neglected to realize I no longer have a full, wavy, lush, scented head of
gorgeous blond hair. Instead, I had approached the land of the cue ball very
rapidly. Thankfully, my wife thinks bald men are sexy.
We met a great family from Minneapolis in the late afternoon by the pool. Both
of the kids were in college and proudly proclaimed they were band geeks in high
school. Mary and I made friends with them and their parents instantly. We all
ate supper at the hotel that night. The guava cake was delicious...
Our television entertainment that night was a new British prime-time game show
called Distraction. Contestants had to answer trivia questions while being
distracted by lap-dances, biting dogs and... get ready for this... forcing elastic
bands around their heads. The contestants were informed earlier that a
watermelon imploded once 50 of these same elastic bands were wrapped around this defenseless fruit. They went ahead with it away excited that they might win
Swiffer Wet-Jet refills and a timer controlled pet water dispenser. The winner
had 36 bands around his head...
After inserting our earplugs and rubbing aloe vera all over my scalp, we fell
into a deep slumber satisfied with the day's events.
Part 4 will be out before Revenge of the Sith is released in theatres...I promise!
Good night and thanks for reading!
