California Trip Report #2
Raw oysters...
We saw a sign in the shop where we bought them... it read "nothing in life
prepares you for your first raw oyster." Well, Mary and I had one before in
Venezuela but not like we had 'em in Coos Bay, Oregon. The lady asked us if we
wanted a free sample. We said yes. However, these suckers were not a grocery
store sized oyster in a can. Nope, these suckers could fill the palm of an adult
hand...
Imagine the worst cold you've ever had. Remember what the interior of the
Kleenex looked like after you used it? My oyster was a mirror image of that...
Folks, it was 10:00 a.m. in the morning. The interior of my stomach only had a
bagel loaded with chive and onion cream cheese on it. Mary was still digesting a
piece of toast with peanut butter. Now the slimy, slithery, gooey, wet, clingy,
soggy, cold, salty, fishy oyster was sliding down our brave esophaguses wanting
to cling to our innards. We smiled bravely at our server and promptly purchased
$8.95 worth of raw oysters afterwards... In this store, that was a pint of
oysters... We did not vomit as we left...
Earlier on that morning, I decided to explore the Oregon Sand Dunes. Not a good
idea on foot... I was such a moron. As Mary intelligently waited in the car (so we
wouldn't have to buy a park pass) I decided to walk up one of these goliaths.
Okay, I have enough of a hard time walking up a regular 30 foot hill. On these
damn sand dunes, the ground kept on caving in under my bare feet as I attempted
to fight gravity. To make matters worse, yee-haw teenaged Americans on monster
ATVs flew past me screaming bloody murder. And my reward for making it to the
top? A view of the ocean over ½ km away... thankfully the oyster experience was
after this, not before. Otherwise, these red neck ATVers would have had some
puddles to navigate through...
My mother yelped in horror when the oysters were brought back to the campsite.
She is not a fan of crustaceans unless they are fully disguised deep-fried. We
also received complimentary oysters still in their shells because we told the
clerk it was our anniversary. She excitedly told us that oysters are a very
efficient aphrodisiac. Good timing... did you know according to literature Mary
read "somewhere," that oatmeal is actually the best aphrodisiac around? No
wonder that Quaker dude always looks so happy on the oatmeal box!
So we made it into California today. What a great state... liquor stores at every
gas station open 24 hours. All of you must try 3 parts Dekuyper Sour Apple
Pucker Schnapps and one part Dekuyper Butter Shots Butterscotch Snapps liquor.
Absolutely amazing beverage. Caramel apple taste is the result... By the way, try
saying "Butter Shots Butterscotch Snapps" ten times really quickly. You will
sound inebriated without actually having even consumed a sample of this stuff...
Well, my father and I became inebriated on the cheaper Milwaukee Ice 5.9%. Mary
and my mother consumed buckets of Livingston Rose. It was our anniversary. We
had to celebrate six years of "harmony." Then we began to barbeque the oysters
(the ones in their shells) We had to wait until the shells popped open and then
pour some melted garlic butter inside. Needless to say, our intake of alcohol
severely impaired our judgement as we managed to pour garlic butter all over the
grill of the barbeque. The grease fires were so immense forest animals started
to flee their natural habitats around us.
Dinner was amazing. Fresh frozen shrimp from my parent’s two month stay in south
Texas in January, Betty Crocker scalloped potatoes and coleslaw. AND... my mother''s
famous Rum Cake for dessert. Only a select few human being have ever been lucky
enough to experience this sinful act of indulgence...
So now today... (Sunday, August 6th)... still cold and damp damn it... the trees thrive
on it though... The Redwoods folks... unbelievable... We are camped right in the
middle of Redwood National Park. The trees are so wide you can drive a Hummer
through them! The trees are so tall they block out all the sunlight causing us
to shiver even more. Seriously though......I just can't explain the experience of
walking through the forest here. It is truly one of the most stunning things I
have ever seen. I could just feel the Ewoks chattering about readying their
weapons as the Battle of Endor was about to begin. (If you had not idea what I
was just talking about, you are truly ignorant of pop culture and should be
shot...)
Somehow a giant Paul Bunyan and his stupid bull Babe (anatomically incorrect
here with only one testicle) were a hit in front of a "skyride" tourist
attraction mired deep in the Redwood forest. My father and I hate tourist traps.
The Americans are brilliant when it comes to parting the tourists from their
money. I can understand the concept of Disneyland, Seaworld etc. They are
man-made wonders and have a right to be kitschy. However, when the Americans
find they have a natural wonder in their backyard, they treat it like a
Disneyland as well. Gift shops spring up everywhere offering everything (in this
case) from "buy your own redwood tree to plant in your backyard complete with a treehouse kit that can be built in the tree once it matures 500 years later" to
"genuine redwood crafted used chewing gum holders when you just want to save
that flavourful glob of resin for later..."
Oh, and those of you who believe history is what you did last Friday night, Paul
Bunyan was a tree cutter dude who comes from Minnesota. What the hell was a 50
foot version of him doing in the middle of Redwoods National Park anyway?
So tomorrow we head south into the Napa Valley. We are creeping closer to San
Francisco. After that, I have no idea how much further south we will venture. We
still have over three weeks left on this vacation so time will tell!
Thank you for listening folks! Until next time...
