California Trip Report #3
So California doesn't allow you to buy gas without pre-paying... you can't even
use your credit card at the pump without a catch. After the evil pump literally
swallows your credit card, it asks for your five digit zip code. So I punched in
90210 in honour of my 80s television heroes... it didn't work...
So my only option was to pre-pay the amount of gas I wanted. My palms grew
sweaty and beads of perspiration began to dot my forehead. How much gas did I
think I needed? If I didn't fill the tank, I wouldn't be able to take full
advantage of the cheap $3.39 a gallon price they were offering. If I paid too
much, I would have to walk back in the store and demand the amount be refunded
on my credit card although it eventually ended up being only 17 cents. I can see
the oil companies pointing and laughing at me now... sigh...
So we drove southeast today and noticed (yes, here go the weather reports again)
the temperature climbed fifteen degrees from 12C to 27C. My father claims his
truck has a climate control system but you wouldn't know it from the blankets
that were thrown around in the back seat by Mary and my mother. They couldn't
decide whether they were freezing or catching fire...
My mother falls asleep instantly in the car. She has a book in her lap the
entire time and usually makes it through one page a day. What frightens me is
sometimes she sleeps with her eyes open. Her pupils seem to even follow the
scenery as it whizzes by. I tell ya, we could be attempting to out-drive a
tsunami on a 90 degree angle and she still wouldn't wake up. And yet she still
announces bedtime at 9:30 p.m. every night, Pacific Standard Time...
Mary also sleeps all day in the car but occasionally becomes conscious and
begins to cross-stitch. She will only comment on the scenery if she sees horses
in the distant at which point she will yell "PONYS!" My father nearly drives off
the road each time...
My mother also has a gigantic waste paper basket in the car. It reduces the
legroom in the backseat by 2/3's. Usually, we throw a couple of candy wrappers
at it throughout the day irritating her immensely when we miss...
My mother's purse weighs 20 pounds. In it is absolutely nothing useful except a
bottle opener for our beers...
We listened to our 3 ½ minutes of music on the radio today. My father exclaimed
that he enjoyed country music more than jazz. The reason? Country music tells a
story... Yep folks, quite the stories evolve from the country music world. Muh
favorit is when the cawboi loses his gurl to a furm animah...
So we passed a Reggae festival that just seemed to be winding down. It was
amazing how quickly the supposed thousands of people cleared out. We were happy
we missed that traffic jam until we ran smack dab into that traffic jam one hour
later. Folks, I have never experienced such a bloody parking lot in my whole
life. Every fifteen minutes, we started up the engine and moved half a
kilometre. We had 4 kilometers until our campsite. Do the math... yup... 2 HOURS to
get there... Mary went on cross-stitching, my mother slept, I cursed under my
breath (my biggest pet peeve in the whole world is traffic jams) and my father?
He was busy calculating the "ripple effect." In the physics world that means,
"lets entertain myself by watching how the cars move behind me if I move forward
one inch, 2 inches, 1 FOOT etc." This kept my dear father busy for almost the
duration of the jam. He had a sinister grin on his face when he let the line in
front of him almost pass out of view and then gun the engine to catch up. He
nearly created a multi-car pile up behind him...
We eventually reached our campsite before the opening ceremonies of the 2010
Olympics and proceeded to engage in the predictable set-up routine. My father's
nerves were severely frayed from the traffic so it didn't help that a bunch of
real old-timers were beside us carrying on a conversation without their hearing
aids. Their conversation at 100 decibels went something like this:
"I had pancakes for breakfast this morning..."
"Yeah, that pool water sure was cold last evening..."
"Muh wife don't know anything about jackrabbits either..."
I discovered a blackberry bush and decided to pluck some for an appetizer before
supper. However, this was the blackberry bush from hell. The hidden thorns
gleefully attached themselves to my clothes and penetrated deep into my exposed
legs and feet. I managed to salvage three blackberries only to have my mother,
father and wife complain they were too sour. I dragged my wounded body in defeat
back to the blackberry bush and spat on it in defiance...
So here we are in the "Bay Area" which includes San Francisco, Oakland and San
Jose among smaller cities... I don't know how many of you have heard of a
megalopolis but this is it. The Americans shouldn’t even bother giving cities
different names when they are so close together. Perhaps the name of this area
should be called Josefranland. I think that works much better...
Mary has found a new hobby as I write this. She is sanding a twig of Redwood.
Yup, she is quite fascinated by this procedure. She sands for about a minute,
then cautiously peers at the stick as if something miraculous has happened. In
due time, I'm sure I’ll be presented with a smoother twig. At this point, I'll
slowly nod my head encouraging my insane wife to continue her pointless
endeavour...
Oh boy, now she is claiming she "sees" things in the wood. My dad is studying
this wood as well. He sees a puppy dog (no word on how he determined the age of
the canine), she sees a swan and I see something to roast marshmallows with...
Mary has discovered that there is a JellyBelly factory close by! We actually had
to visit the damn place near Fairfield, California. Imagine, we are finally in
San Fransisco and instead of seeing the Golden Gate Bridge or Alcatraz first, we
learn how artificially flavoured pieces of candy that look like guinea pig
droppings are produced.
We didn't make it on the tour. Kids had taken over the place. We were so
disappointed since Reader's Digest voted this the best factory tour in America.
However, the gift shop beckoned. My irrational wife purchased eight pounds of "bellyflops."
These are jellybeans that didn't make the cut in the factory due to their mutant
qualities. Naturally, these formations were appealing to my wife. Jellybelly has
many flavours. The most interesting flavours are dirt, roasted garlic, grass and
vomit. I'm kidding about the last one...
Costco in California is a mind-numbing experience...imagine anything ever
manufactured by human being and you will find it here. The alcohol section can
quench the thirst of the entire population of Ottawa ten times over. I have
never seen such a selection available to mankind. My family perused the aisles
and settled on some key necessary items. Beer, wine, Mike's hard lemonade,
grapes and a toaster. Oh, and six cans of black olives...
The drive out of the San Francisco area to the open Pacific almost made Mary
puke. She was okay until she had to briefly consult the map. The truck is about
22 feet long. It is quite difficult to navigate on constant 90 degree turns
although the thousand or so Smart cars we knocked off the highway helps us keep
the truck steady. We were rewarded with a beautiful beach with sand hot enough
to completely stir-fry my toes.
The next day we toured the Napa Valley and Sonoma Valleys. I am a beer drinker
so this wine experience needed to really impress my palate. It did not. Most
wine varieties could have served as a high-efficiency clothes dryer the way they
dehydrated the interior of my mouth.
What I can't believe is how much work you have to do before you consume the
wine. The five senses ALL have to be utilized, ONE at a time. First we have to
TOUCH the glass the right way, then we have to LOOK at the clarity of the wine,
then we have to SMELL the aroma of the wine, then we TASTE the wine and finally
have to LISTEN to the cries of "how delightful" and "how exquisite" from the
"cultured" tourists around us. If you even mention BARLEY or HOPS around these
people, you would be scalped...
So we visited a Budweiser Factory. Much more like it. Nothing is more erotic
than seeing thousand of bottles of beer being filled before you eyes every
minute! However, my father and I partook in too many free samples and mistakenly
voiced our opinion about American beer in general. We vaguely recall comparing
it to a fine bottle of "Perrier" before being show the door...
So we actually did make it in to San Francisco despite the sinful attractions of
Jellybeans, wine, beer and Costco! I can say this now five days later that San
Francisco now rates as one of my top 5 American cities. The others of course
being New York City, Chicago, Las Vegas and Fargo.
Folks, this is a city I'll never forget. Nothing can top seeing the fog rolling
over the Golden Gate Bridge, driving up the hills and not being able to see the
intersection ahead of you until a second before you reach it, losing your brakes
as you drive down that same hill, experiencing Chinatown when you are starving
etc...etc...
Where to start?...okay, how about Chinatown, the largest Chinese settlement
outside of China. We picked a cool restaurant where you had to walk through the
kitchen to get to your table. I tell ya, nothing whets the appetite more than
seeing an old Chinese man chop the head off a duck as you breeze past him to
your table...
Or how about Telegraph Hill where wild parrots fly around your head as you see
the magnificent city spread out in all directions around you...
Or how about Fisherman's Wharf which is by far the most kitschy tourist trap we
have ever encountered in our travels. Where's the wharf? All we saw was "Piers"
filled with shops and attractions only the most numb-minded teenager could be
attracted too...
Or how about the Financial district which is second only to Wall Street with
skyscrapers designed to withstand even the most powerful earthquake...
Or how about those Cable Cars which zoomed past us because we were stupid enough
to want some exercise walking up a 75% incline...
Or Union Square which had so many points of interest, we slammed the tourbook
shut and just took in the atmosphere...
Or those Victorian homes that seem to perfectly align themselves with the ever
increasing or decreasing altitudes of the roads...
I could go on and on folks. If you have not been to San Francisco, get your butt
over there A.S.A.P. What an amazing experience...
And to top off that day, we saw the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. This
is a musical that opened in NYC last year and just recently opened here. What a
hilarious show...
So, TODAY was Alcatraz! WOW! We had an audio tour that I wrongly assumed would
be dry. It was fantastic. Imagine seeing thousands of tourists all walking
around silently in a maximum security penitentiary listening to headphones. The
audio tour had such realistic sound effects under the narration that I swore I
could experience the atmosphere of the prisoners around me. And the view of San
Francisco Bay...postcard perfect today. No fog! We couldn't believe it!
We also visited Angel Island which is essentially the Ellis Island of the West.
It also served as the military barracks for soldiers leaving for or returning
from both World Wars. Our tour guide was outstanding! Although he drove us
around the island in a tram, he would repeatedly jump out and address the entire
tram with his booming voice.
So tomorrow we head south to Monterrey Bay. I don't know how far south we'll go
but avoiding the concrete jungle of L.A. is our top priority. Been there...done
that...not impressed...
I forgot to mention...we took a wrong turn (even with the GPS!!) and ended up
having to cross the Oakland Bay Bridge into San Francisco (a two level bridge)
Well...imagine involuntarily driving up to the bridge entrance and seeing 14 lanes
of brake lights at night packed together at least ½ km long waiting to pay their
tolls... what would your first instinct be? Yes, of course...mine as well! Avoid it!
So I kept right and ended up in a bus lane. Somehow, and to this hour I still
can’t believe I did this, we drove right past ALL 452,035 cars, FLEW past the
$10.00 toll booths and headed toll-free into Oakland. I checked for cop car
lights... there were none. We turned around in Oakland, retraced our steps and
somehow made it home safely... I will be waiting for the MAJOR traffic infraction
ticket in the mail if there was a camera that took a picture of our license
plate!
So today was a leisurely drive into Santa Cruz. Mary and I explored the
boardwalk and discovered the California T.V. shows always glamorize! A long
boardwalk along the beach complete with carnie rides, carnie food, carnie
arcades, carnie seafood restaurants, carnie gift shops, carnie palm tress,
carnie piers and carnie gambling games. It was heavenly... Add the Pacific Ocean
in the backdrop and we felt for the first time that we were really in
California!
So there you have it folks! Trip Report #3! We will be heading into Monterey
tomorrow and then down the coast to Santa Barbara. Then we will head east across
the desert to the mighty city of Las Vegas! I’m sure the stories we’ll have
about that area of the world will be endless!
Thanks for taking the time to read this once again! I hope to hear from all of
you! Otherwise, this will turn into a one-sided conversation!
