California Trip Report #5
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," except when it comes to writing trip
reports...
Before I get to Vegas allow me to elaborate on our extensive stay in the armpit
of California namely anything south of AND INCLUDING Santa Barbara. Folks, the
beaches you see in movies exist in California but they are not "common folk"
beaches. A common folk beach (99% of California beaches) requires the following
characteristics:
1. Numerous homeless people
2. Dirty water and rotten egg smells
3. Beach sand filled with seaweed, driftwood and garbage
4. Hardly any breakers- where the hell are the surfers?
5. Public restrooms that haven't been cleaned in years
6. Hippies showing off their ornate vans
7. Hundreds of police officers consuming Krispy Crème Doughnuts
8. Tacky gift shops advertising 500 T-shirts for $10.00
9. Thousands of seagulls constantly depositing their slimy, white excrement
10. Strategically placed non-native palm trees standing tall and fake
Santa Barbara, supposedly the gem of Southern California was a huge
disappointment. As we walked the wooden pier jutting out from the main beach,
primitive sandcastles dotting the pathetic beach surrounded us. As I looked
closer, I realized looking at these piles of sandy sludge came at a cost.
Homeless people lining the pier asked us to throw down coins into makeshift sand
moats they had constructed beside the castles.
And Los Angeles? A hole... Mary and I toured the City of Angels extensively about
four years ago and now I remember why we escaped so quickly. The freeways are
efficient yes, and the drivers are very courteous but the scenery is ghastly.
Smog and freeway walls (built to silence the endless suburbs from the traffic
noise) are the only sights you will see unless you pull off somewhere. And good
luck finding any kind of lodging, attractions, restaurants or gas stations.
There are no billboards or information anywhere to guide the hapless tourist.
Don't believe what you see in the movies folks! Avoid Southern California
(except San Diego...when Mary and I visited four years ago, we loved it.) San
Francisco, Monterey and the Redwoods are the places to see!
Okay, enough ranting...Las Vegas!
Now, all of you need some background information here. This was my 5th visit to
Las Vegas. My 1st visit was at the age of 13 with my family. Although we were
short of cash back then, my parents neglected to research the cost of hotels on
the Strip. They assumed they would be expensive so we ended up staying in a
place I recall named the Wastewater Inn located 50 miles northwest in the desert
of hell. It was only later as we toured Circus Circus (and only Circus Circus)
that my parents realized the Strip hotels were also very inexpensive because
they wanted to lure the gamblers...
My 2nd visit was at the age of 21 with a friend called "Bob." As we touched down
at midnight, we decided to walk the entire Strip. Folks, that was 6.3 miles in
one direction. It was 3:00 a.m. in the morning our time. Well, we finished at
3:00 a.m. in the morning Vegas time (6:00 a.m. Ottawa time for those of you who
are slow) and promptly crawled back to our rooms at the Imperial Palace. I was
so overtired, I vomited... (I'm not kidding)
My 3rd visit was at the age of 27. It was our honeymoon. Yes, a honeymoon in
Vegas. We stayed at Paris Las Vegas (ooohhhh). By this time, the mega resorts
had sprung up all over Vegas. The most romantic excursion we took during that
week was a drive in a rented orange Ford Focus into Death Valley. The
temperature was 52C. Our sweaty bodies fogged up all the windows of our stellar
rented car.
My 4th visit was our Southern California Trip four years ago. Mary and I flew to
Los Angeles during March Break. After not being able to stand the city after 2
nights, we drove to San Diego and Vegas. We almost froze to death in Vegas
though. We were the only idiot tourists stubbornly wearing shorts in 10C heat...
And now comes the 5th trip. I can honestly say that I now have a very
well-researched perspective on Vegas. I have categorized our experiences for
your reading convenience.
The Casinos
Mary and I don't gamble and don't smoke. Yes, we are perfect. So we really
didn't fit in when we walk into the casinos. However, we like to gawk at the
losers who sit unshaven, un-deodorized and undernourished at the hundreds of
thousands of slot machines and gaming tables. We can't look down because the
carpets are so hideous. They are manufactured that way so people don’t look
down. Heaven forbid if they miss a slot machine. The casinos are build like a
maze so you literally have to weave your way down every single aisle before you
find the restroom, front desk, gift shop or performance venue. There are no
clocks in any casino. And the gamblers? They look like they are having the worst
time of their lives. They endlessly sit there staring at the machine looking
like they failed to rescue their cat from a renegade paper shredder.
The cameras are hidden everywhere (except the bathrooms and gift shops which
sell worthless crap anyways). The cocktail waitresses walk around like they have
a full two inches of silk fabric up their butts, dealers look like they would
rather be sucking on half-eaten crab legs, security guards have such stone faces
that they belong at the poker tables and the bartenders? They really hated me
when I constantly approached them asking for free ice water.
The great thing is...Vegas has so much more to offer than casinos so don't
despair...
The Sex
Wow, those guys on the strip who hand out "information" about girls... they slap
the cards together to get your attention. Personally, you can see them a mile
away but somehow the slapping is the erotic experience you must listen for.
Strategically spaced black stars are the only barrier between your imagination
and full-frontal nudity once you glance at your new acquisitions. My father
gleefully placed numerous cards in his pocket while I kept some for my deprived
brother-in-law. My mother was appalled at both of us.
Trucks drive down the Strip carrying billboards that advertise the cutest girls
and where to find them. Imagine the job description for that, "Earn $6.50 an
hour driving a picture of a hot women around that you can't even see!"
And the shows...word of advice to all married men. NEVER take your wife to a
topless flamboyant Vegas show. (Follies in this case) No matter how good the
singing, dancing, staging and music were, the only comment your wife will make
after the $100.00 show is, "I'll bet all you looked at was their breasts..." If
you say yes, you are slapped. If you say no, you wife will challenge you by
asking, "How could you not notice them? You are such a liar..." Then you are
slapped again... At least there was a juggler who juggled two bowling balls and a
green M & M as his final act. My wife's attention was now on his balls so I
could finally growl and put her in her place. I didn't slap her though...
Of course we went to an exclusively "adult" show one night as well.
Unfortunately, the subject matter focused on foot fetishes and S & M for the
most part. We felt so special... The other two shows we attended were called "The
Second City Comedy Show," and "The Man With 1002 Voices." The clubs were
intimate and fun! And they were cheap!!
The Resorts
Well folks, there were a number of them but allow me to focus on the most
memorable:
Caesars- The Forum Shops...endless shopping...my mother has a habit a walking
into stores that are far too expensive for her. She usually wanders out happy
that she can afford to look and have the power to make the men look like
complete idiots waiting for her outside...
New York, New York- Coney Island... Mary found a Dance, Dance Revolution game.
This involves destroying your shoes quickly. You must follow incomprehensible
dance moves instructing you to stomp your feet on gaudy neon squares... another
attraction is even more appealing... you can pay $12.50 to throw up your
recently digested cotton candy on a roller coaster that zooms around the fake
skyscrapers...
Bellagio- The Water Show... after viewing this extravaganza, you inevitably feel
an intense urge to pee and end up wandering around the casino eventually wetting
yourself in a vain attempt to find the nearest restroom...
Luxor- The Inclinator...what a witty play on words describing the elevator ride
that carries you to the top of the pyramid. Most guests only find out after they
have checked-in that the slanted windows in their rooms minimize living space
dramatically and cause them to whack their heads severely every time they want
to look out the window...
MGM Grand- The Lobby... how much space do you need to check into the world's
largest hotel? Apparently enough to house the entire population of China which
was coincidentally present at the time...
Mandalay Bay- The Beach...nothing like a fake beach in the middle of a desert full
of sand! What a technological marvel trucking in all that sand from so far away...
no wonder millions of tourists pay top dollar annually to experience this unique
phenomenon.
Paris Las Vegas- The Eiffel Tower... what can be more romantic than the base of a
replica Eiffel Tower crashing through the roof of a casino?
Mirage- The Aquarium… watch fish in a giant aquarium as you check-in. Experience
the sight of a giant moray eel slithering around consuming $500.00 worth of fish
unlucky enough to be in its path…
Venetian- The Gondola Rides... laugh and point at loser tourists who shell out
$45.00 each for a gondola ride through old water from the Mirage aquarium...
Wynn- Urinals...state of the art folks. Imagine (for guys only) peeing into the
urinal and never feeling the "slight sprayback" due to the high tech absorbent
sponges (covering the entire interior of the urinal) that help carry that golden
stream to its rightful resting place. Marvel at the automatic soap dispensers
and individual hand towels found at EACH of the 50 sinks.
Stratosphere- The Rides... only Americans would build a tower and then design
rides that dangle and spin you over the edge of that tower...
Aladdin- The Rainstorm... anyone for some fake extreme weather? I was stupid
enough to watch the entire 10 minute show hoping for something "more."
Parking
All the casinos offer free parking in their "self-park" parkades. However, the
clearance is only "comfortable" enough for a small Japanese import car. Imagine
driving a GMC Silverado through these concrete dungeons. Our roof never scraped
the ceiling but the tremendous impact of concrete and radio antenna sure caused
me to gasp for breath on numerous occasions. The parkades also retain the heat
of the day usually resulting in a temperature 10C hotter than outside (50C).
Finding these parkades usually involves touring around at least 3 neighbouring
casinos thus increasing your appetite to gamble even more. Finding your car
afterwards is a whole different ballgame. Fortunately, we used the "horn"
function on our remote keyless entry to locate our vehicle but caused fellow
casino patrons standing near our truck to suffer mild heart attacks.
Buffets
Why does everyone load up their plates over a foot high on the first visit? The
food won't go anywhere except eventually into their greedy mouths anyway? And
what is it with those pre-cracked crab legs? What has humankind come to when the
leg meat of a bottom feeder is more tantalizing than hundreds of other Italian,
American, French, Seafood, Indian, Chinese and Lebanese delicacies? We visited
four dinner buffets (not all at once of course) at Paris, Wynn, Rio and the
Aladdin. Prices ranged from $25.00 - $40.00 per person. It was well worth it
except for two hours later when your stomach seems to go on strike and order the
food back where it came from... It was usually the desserts or watching other
patrons eat crab legs that put us over the edge.
Oh, and the huge slab of prime rib that everyone carries around on their plates
as well? I just don’t see the appeal of carrying half a cow still bleeding
around a buffet line.
I, of course, tried the raw octopus and discovered it could not be chewed... I
eventually swallowed it praying the tentacles wouldn’t suddenly spring to life
and secure themselves along the walls of my inner neck.
The Weather
I hate sunscreen but I had to use it here. I hate foot moisturizer but I had to
use it here. I hate chap stick but I had to use it here. Folks...it was dry and
hot approaching 40C every day by 3:00 p.m. If you are stupid enough to walk the
Strip during the day, giant cooling fans and "mist makers" help ease the pain.
However, you still become immensely dehydrated and in most cases, delusional. It
is amazing how much your lips turn into a crusty mess! Night time lows were
always around 30C so sitting at a hot tub in our campground didn’t help regulate
my body temperature much. Water was sold everywhere on the Strip ranging in
price from 50 cents to $3.00 a bottle. I never knew that there would be a time
in my life when I had shop around for WATER. The concrete around the pool area
at our RV resort barbequed your feet within seconds.
After Dark on the Strip
Cries of "where are you from?" still echo in my head. Why the hell do any of
these time share people care where you are from? I eventually said outer space.
That shut them up pretty good.
After dark on the south end of the strip, you might as well call it shuffling
rather than walking. There are literally thousands of people per square foot
gawking at the neon lights and occasionally being run over by impatient locals.
Traffic on the Strip usually crawls along at an inch per minute so pedestrians
usually have more momentum.
The north end of the strip is so abandoned you could literally toss a casino
chip and hear it fall. Only the occasional cry of a showgirl being cut in half
from a failed magic act cuts through the eerie silence. The casinos that are
there are all scheduled to be demolished to make way for ever more
mega-resorts...
Downtown
This is a part of Vegas I can't believe some people miss. This is where the city
was born! Some of the original casinos are still here like the Golden Nugget! In
an attempt to lure tourists back to this area, they have covered up the whole
sky and replace it with millions of lights. It is quite a show but when all the
casino lights are turned off to make way for this extravaganza, downtown Vegas
ends up looking like the back alley of some inner-city neighbourhood.
They advertise beers and Margaritas here for $1.00 but every time you approach
the bar and ask about that deal, they say they have run out of that size... Scams
galore folks...don't even ask about the quality of an $8.99 prime rib dinner.
Although I didn't consume it on this vacation, I distinctly remember taking over
four minutes to chew and 4 days to digest the prime rib during our last visit.
Fastest Growing City
Vegas is the fastest growing city in the U.S. We couldn't believe the new
freeways, box stores, suburbia and casinos that have popped up since our last
visit. The freeways are so new that the city proudly announces "built in 2006"
on every overpass.
Update on the Trailer Life
I almost required surgery after ramming my head into the awning rail. I said the
"F" word for the first time in front of my mother in almost 34 years.
The A/C kept shutting off every time we used the toaster. Time to check the
warranty of this trailer...
While my wonderful wife and I dined on Vegas buffets, my parents stayed behind
and ate, get this, defrosted, then boiled smoked wieners without any bun or
condiments other than 2-year old mustard
Mary is almost done cross-stitching... We have five days left on this vacation.
She can make it...
Mary spilt red wine on the trailer carpet today. My mother restrained her anger
so much she immediately had to go to the bathroom...
Mary has been pestering me for an XBOX 360. She wants Dance, Dance revolution in
our home. I think I'll charge $5.00 per visitor to come and see this
spectacle.....
The Nevada Desert
Yesterday, (August 23rd) we finally left Vegas and travelled north through the
Nevada desert. As usual, Mary and my mother fell asleep in the back seat UNTIL
we entered the air force training zone. A jet fighter scared the shit out of
both of them as it flew within 100 feet of the highway. My mother’s hair curlers
popped out shattered the windows. My father figures the pilot was training to
eliminate a convey (which my dad always creates on any two lane highway when
travelling 20 miles per hour UNDER the speed limit)
Yosemite National Park
So we stayed here for a night recuperating from the aerial assault earlier in
the desert. Nothing much to report other than any Western Canadian park has this
place beat by a mile...
Reno, Nevada and Lake Tahoe
Today we drove around Lake Tahoe and discovered what a waste of time that was.
Since Lake Tahoe is in California, it automatically means nature is destroyed in
favour of kitschy tourist traps. We were fed up halfway through driving the loop
and headed via Reno to our campground. Interstate 80 through the mountains is a
death trap if you make even slightest wrong move. Only a concrete divider on
curvy mountain roads separates the oncoming traffic. Fortunately, my superior
driving skills carried us through safely. Reno looked neat so we have decided to
explore it, Carson City and the ghost town of Virginia City tomorrow. Then we
have to (sniff) crash drive (in my parent's vocabulary that means 7-8 hours a
day) to Vancouver in time to catch our (sniff) flight home. So we are REALLY
going to party with my parents in Reno tomorrow! My mother will NOT announce
bedtime at 9:30 p.m. because we will STILL be in Reno! Ha...ha...ha...ha...
The last trip report will be coming to you soon unfortunately...
