Europe

Hello from Berlin, Germany!

My lovely wife and I have now resided in Europe for almost a week! Mary has almost recovered from jet lag although she still insists she can sleep in until 3:00 p.m. because it is only 9:00 a.m. in Ottawa. Europe has a population density higher than a Japanese subway car during rush hour. Germany has almost three times as many people as Canada yet is the third of the size of Ontario. Needless to say, we've met many people.
The Y and the Z are reversed on this kezboard. Also, check out the other crayz szmbols I can use on this kezboard: öäü
All of Berlin and ourselves watched the final of Euro 2004 on the street. Every single restaurant put a T.V. out on the patio (which every single European restaurant has) European soccer is like slow motion hockey to me. And get this...no commercials until halftime. This would seem like a curse to sports fans with weak bladders... The World Cup of Soccer is in Germany in 2006. Guess who is sponsoring it? BUDWEISER Guess what beer all Germans must drink at the games?
German beer is as good as people say it is especially when a half-litre bottle is under one Euro. For those of you unfamiliar with the exchange rate between a Euro and the Canadian dollar, let me explain it this way. Our money is used in German Monopoly.
Berlin is an amazing city. As I listen to the cursed sound of a European emergency vehicle with its obscene siren gliding over smooth cobblestones, I wonder whether this city ever experiences true peace. Time-travel is easy in Europe. Just walk outside. Every building has a story. The only disturbing scene I've noticed in Berlin so far is a gigantic inflatable Spiderman climbing up the hip Sony Center in central Berlin. The European premiere of Spiderman 2 is tomorrow. I think I'll visit the home of the Berlin Philharomic instead.
All the locals know I'm a tourist right away. The shorts and the Tilley hat give it away...the temperature has not been above 20 degrees since we arrived. We thank God for this since Europeans have not yet discovered air conditioning anyways!
The plane ride over seemed promising. We were given row 10 right behind 1st class and the bulkhead. Unfortunately, this was a prime breeding ground for insane infants. We had their cries of terror in stereo all night long.
Our hosts picked us up in Hamburg, Germany. For those of you who have not yet wondered this, people from Hamburg call themselves Hamburgers, people from Frankfurt call themselves Frankfurters. No wonder Germans have such great food...except no one Bar-B-Que´s!
All the cars in Germany are small and worth more than our houses. I must mention one car. The SMART CAR. It is half the length of a Chevy Cavalier. You can parallel park these things in an elavator if you have to!
Hamburg has an area known as the Reeperbahn. It is the most infamous Red-Light District in Europe. We were so glad we didn't wear sandles while walking here. We would of had glass embedded in our toes. Never before have I seen such a display of public happiness (drunkeness) or public affection in my life. It almost rivaled the parties I had in University. I was encouraged by my beautiful wife to walk down a street where only men are allowed. I had to brush off the aggressive advances (yes, these women actually grab at you and try to pull you inside...) I could imagine it would be a great ego booster for a lonely teenage boy. However, for a happily married man, it was like swimming through a swamp full of alligators...
Europeans also like to create fake beaches where ever they believe it is neccessary. Mary and I were treated to a beautiful view of palm trees, sand and Russian oil tankers entering the Hamburg harbour...
The best spot for sweets is in the residence of a European grandmother...
I'll leave you with this thought from my wife until my next E-mail from overseas...

"Why is European toilet paper so damn coarse? I could hardly walk this afternoon!"

Thanks for listening folks! Enjoy your Canadian summer!

Steve

Hello from the land which blessed us (or cursed us) with the Sound Of Music!

The hills are alive folks! Yep, Steve Pankiewicz here with our second trip report from the land of a thousand dialects that we cannot understand! I have to mention the weather since we are Canadian. The skies have blessed us with many litres of refreshing H20 upon my balding head EVERY SINGLE DAY! Yep, for those of you frolicking through East Hastings Street in Vancouver to those of you swatting mosqitoes (naturally only the females) in Winnipeg to those of you actually ingesting over 100 chemicals per hour through Ontario air, enjoy it! Actually, I am not complaining. Europeans have not discovered air conditioning yet so this cool, moist, natural air is most refreshing. Never buy an umbrella at Shopper’s Drug Mart though...they are better used to catch small, hapless birds.

We have noticed or experienced many new things during our second week of travel. Earplugs look like candy in Europe. I found them to be quite a fashion statement. Earplugs are also quite useful since Europeans like to build houses 10 cm from the nearest road with heavy traffic. Mary has even found that earplugs reduce the volume of my snoring to the equivalent of a bar full of happy Greek soccer fans instead of jet engine.

Europeans tend to surround their property with gates. I believe they are fortifying themselves against the invasion of killer squirrels that have discovered German beer. They also use skeleton keys which are sometimes over 1 meter long. Needless to say, when I carry the key in my pocket, my wife noticed many female eyes looking my way.

Europeans also have the door to the bathroom closed at all times. This idea can be utilizied in any typical North American game show... ``will there or will there not be a man sitting on the toilet behind door #1?´´ Needless to say, my bladder is sometimes wrongfully held for too long a period of time when the bathroom was pleasantly vacant during the entire duration!

More bathroom talk...sorry! You must also pay to use many public amenities. However, it costs only one Euro to pee standing up, two Euros to pee sitting down. I wonder why more European women have not been arriving at the Canadian border as a result of this.

Berlin likes to sell pieces of the Wall encased in plastic bubbles found on postcards. I have neglected to send any of you such a memento. Perhaps a can of spray paint at a local home depot and some broken concrete from a sidewalk will yield the same effect for North Americans.

Beer comes in half litre bottles all over Europe. This is of course much healthier for us all. There is less glass to break once your motor skills have been sufficiently imparied.

Germans display an awkward favoratism when it comes to cars. They claim they really do not care what they drive since they ride public transport most of the time. Yet every car in Germany is either a Volkswagen, a Mercedes, a BMW or an Audi. Even the taxis are all Mercedes. I’m still waiting for the opportunity to take a taxi ride and brag to the whole world that I was chauffered all over Europe in a Mercedes.

The Swiss have decided to double the price on all goods and services. A can of coke costs $5.00 I kid you not. I took the opportunity to contribute to the Swiss economy by salivating over a Züricher Bratwurst. After selling Mary as a slave to a local Turk, I acquired enough money to eagery consume this local delicacy.

Zürich, Switzerland has claimed to be the best place in the world to live. I would agree with them wholeheartedly if I were paid in Swiss Francs and enjoyed their language. However, the dialect of German that they speak is incomprehensible to the world and all Germans. I have never heard a language that by its very nature can clear any size of debris caught in the average human throat.

Since public transport is so popular, any tourist would assume all Europeans would smile while riding on it. Sadly, the opposite is the case. I have been engaging in numerous staring contests with some very stubborn Europeans who refuse to smile no matter which side of my nostril I decide to flare at them.

Muselix is very popular in the Alps. It basically consists of throwing every food God created into a giant bowl and mixing it with yogurt, a food Cows created. It aids in digestion very efficiently, especially when a toilet is not available. The best kinds of Swiss Cheese smell like vomit. Basically the more expensive the cheese, the stronger the memories of childlike flu symptoms. Thankfully the Swiss serve all varieties.

As musicians, it gives us great joy to walk through a musical instrument museum. However, it frustrates us when we cannot actually play any of the instruments. There are more security guards in these museums than Times Square. Even a attempt to access a saxophone larger than the area of my body proved futile. I believe these guards wait until the museum closes and then have a jam session.

I highly recommend a Turkish Donair. They are found at food stands all over Europe and are the only food we can afford. Chewing gum is also a fairly inexpensive meal.

Churches are beautiful all over Europe. They usually consist of 100-1000 tourists taking pictures with flash (which is strictly forbidden) of 100-1000 stained glass windows. The organ music varies. Sometimes a nearly recognizable hymn is followed by a hearty rendition of Pink Floyd’s Money.

Europeans like to flock to their gardens which are usually a one to two hour drive away from the big city. These tropical paradises measure one square meter per owner and are filled with the sounds of nearby traffic and insect electrocuters.

Europeans are also very active and in shape. They have actually discovered there is more to life than sitting in front of a computer for two hours writing a mass E-mail to all their friends.

Castles in Europe are found everywhere. They are modelled after very prestigious addresses found all over Beverly Hills.

We initially only intended to travel to Germany, Austria and Switzerland. However, one of our train routes carried us through the imense country of Liechenstein. However, Mary had a sneezing fit and this unfortunate distraction was enough to completely miss our 24 second journey through this wonderful country.

We usually have more for breakfast than any other time during the day. This is quite a change for the four Cheerios that I awkwardly balance on my spoon every school day morning.

I shocked all of Europe when near Berlin I ordered a beer and a raspberry torte at the same time in a cafe. I wanted the best of both worlds. Apparantly the Germans did not agree. I now have an official plaque on the wall of the café honoring me as the dumbest tourist ever. At least I got some recognition.

Austria has caused me to gain 10 pounds an hour due to their chocolate. North American chocolate is sold in the stores here as fertilizer.

Checkpoint Charlie now monitors the movement of tourists. Their progress is somewhat hindered by all the fake Soviet memorabilia that is offered at every street corner.

My beautiful wife grew tired of historical facts so we elected to visit a Zoo in Berlin and watched an orangoutang masturbate. I am not kidding...

To end this E-mail, I would like to update the toilet paper troubles my wife encountered that was discussed in my last E-mail. She has since discovered Kleenex and feels quite better. Thank you for all of your concerns though. She couldn’t have gotten through this without your supportive words of encouragement!

Finally, the Sound of Music was a movie that was filmed in Austria about 6 months ago for those of you born on another planet. Apparantly it is coming out on DVD before the end of August!

Thanks for reading!

The Final European Trip Report Chapter 1
Introduction and Bathroom Humor

Warning: A few of you have indicated that your intellectual capacity was compromised due to the length of some of my reports. In order to facilitate comprehension and maximize enjoyment for all, I will divide this particular report into categories and divide the entire report into chapters. If you feel the need to revert to a syndicated episode of The Simpsons rather than experience my complete writings each time, you may simply choose a category that interests you. I apologize for any inconveniences my past reports have caused.

Introduction

Europe is far away. This is very beneficial for the health and well being of all Canadians. As I sit here drinking a third Rickard's Red in my home in Ottawa, I have come to truly appreciate Canada again. After our federal election, I was ready to move to Australia where even though their politics are just as corrupt, their weather is more pleasurable. However, Europe cured that yearn to relocate. As our plane flew into Montreal, I saw the familiar grid patterns from the air, only one church, no castles, clear pristine air, cars that actually accommodate more than a small puppy and a federalist politician caught in a steel trap. I was thankful to be home although I really enjoyed the Austrian stewardess' outfits.

Mary and I have dedicated our lives to travel. Most of you have grudgingly accepted this with comments such as, "you lucky bastards." We thank you for your support as we endure the hardships of travel while the rest of you grovel in your self-imposed solitary confinement otherwise known as cottages.

Now I will proceed! Many subjects might have been mentioned in past reports. However, repetition is very effective when a certain issue needs to be addressed for the safety of all Canadians.

European Toilet Paper

What are they thinking? How can the government issue toilet paper that is classified as sandpaper in most Canadian shop classes? Although my dear wife complained about this earlier, I began to feel the effects as well. The resulting physical discomfort severely impaired our abilities to remain pleasantly mobile on many occasions.

European Kleenex

4 ply…I am not kidding. That kind of strength is sufficient enough to stop an estranged mountain goat from fleeing an avalanche. Mary conveniently peeled off two layers each time before depositing unwanted material from her nose each morning.

The Two Level Toilet

The higher level accommodates your waste without water so you can inspect the contents and the neighborhood can benefit from the aroma. If you happened to consume at least 5 Bratwursts the night before, your deposit may actually pile high enough to lift you off the ground. Upon flushing, a stream of water stronger than a high pressure wand at a car wash throws your contribution into the lower level. This level is filled with enough water to fill a standard-sized test tube. Only then is your gift sucked away to what I believe is France. What bothered me was unless you closed the lid before you flushed, some wayward material may actually be thrown out of the toilet (I am not kidding). Men are requested in some households to sit down while they pee because upon impact on the higher level, a golden shower may grace the nearby area. Finally, some toilets are located in a space smaller than an average Canadian kitchen sink. I always manage to study the boniness of my knees while sitting in these confined areas.

The Unoccupied Bathroom and the Closed Door

This is a direct result of the aroma from the higher level of the two-level toilet. It is also used to completely confuse the hell out of any North American. They may eventually wet themselves because they are too scared to knock or try the door handle. Locks on these doors vary in operation. Sometimes you are simply required to turn clockwise or counterclockwise one to seventeen times but on occasion a call to a local fire station might be necessary to successfully exit the area you have just fumigated.

The Beday (did I spell that right?)

This device, simply put, is used to wash away the uncomfortable leftovers from your recent bowel movement. I personally think it was invented by a Canadian who couldn't stand the European toilet paper any longer…

No liquid soap

A bar of soap older than a World War 2 artifact sits patiently in most European bathrooms waiting for an unsuspecting hand to grab it. Unfortunately, upon possession of this precious antique, you soon realize that its purpose is merely to make your hand smell like rancid cheese and your flesh to feel like it was rubbed with European toilet paper.

Sit-Down Shower

Apparently bedays wash the human behind so a stand-up shower is not necessary. Most bathrooms beckon the unsuspecting North American with a portable showerhead placed only one foot off the ground. Unless you are less than one foot tall, you must sit to have a shower. As I grappled with the concept of how to clean myself, the showerhead would become possessed and begin soaking the entire bathroom. Disorientated, I usually receive a healthy dose of shampoo in my eyes at that point. Shower curtains are only found in most European museums. They are classified as ancients relics thought to evoke mysterious powers from raging bovines. They are not present in most European bathrooms unless our hosts gleefully hide them when we arrive. Europeans also conveniently place mirrors across from these "showers" so you can admire what a complete lard-ass you have become.

No Fans

Europeans regard fans as noisy inbreds from England so a journey through a tropical rainforest awaits you when you exit your "shower." A window is conveniently placed to present your misshapen form to the world as you exit your rubber-ducky playground.

It costs money to "go"

Europeans happily place a sad-looking women in front of most public washrooms with a sad-looking dish full of hundreds of sad-looking euros. This is to prompt you to cash your last travelers cheque before you enter a washroom. In some areas, especially train stations, men can pee for free while women must pay one euro. I have not heard one women complain about this yet which leads me to believe that the money raised from women's washrooms subsidizes the price of women's shoes.

The Male Through

Many public men's washrooms have eliminated the need for a urinal and replaced it with a trough. This is apparently very effective in handling large amount of liquid sunshine at once. However, they do not respect the personal space of the offender and in many instances, the author has felt the fine mist of his neighbor.

Chapter 2, entitled "European Homes" will be arriving to your inboxes shortly.

Chapter 2 European Homes and Gardens

Hi Folks!

Plumbers have been contacting me from most European countries after intercepting my last E-mail. They claim my comments about the European bathrooms have caused an uprising in Luxembourg. The plumbers are afraid these comments will stir the minds, bladders and bowels of Europeans everywhere wishing for a reprise from their ungodly two-level toilets, sit-down showers and numerous other satanic contraptions. The plumbers were hoping to introduce these contraptions to the North American market since service calls are much more numerous and lucrative. We shall wait and see the outcome of this fiasco.

Now, on to Chapter 2…

Construction of European Homes

Since Europe has no trees, all houses are made of stone. This explains why most European homes are 700-1000 years old. It also explains why no doorway is higher than 6 feet tall since humans were smaller then… The author has the misshapen skull to prove this. Since housing is so expensive, the purchase of a home is the exclusive right of Hollywood movie stars. If a home is owned, it has been passed down from a great-great grandfather whose resume includes the demolition or construction of something really old like a church or castle.

No screens

Since Europe has no clean air or vast areas of wilderness, all the bugs have died except wasps of course. They find their way into beer mugs and usually drown before or after consumption of the beer. The last reported sighting of a mosquito caused the Belgian Parliament to be thrown into a state of mass confusion. Windows are left open in every household at all times without a screen. This is particular useful for disorientated birds who seek the solace and refuge of a quaint elderly grandmother's bedroom.

Close Proximity

Europeans have not discovered that homes can actually stand on their own. Usually a supporting structure is attached (i.e. another home) below, beside and on top of the existing one to maintain a comfortable living environment. This results in the ability to see hundreds of human beings in various stages of dress within 50 meters. Every kilometer or so, a street interrupts this peaceful existence before it can begin once again. Unless you are living on the top floor, the sky is but a distant memory once spoken of by a Prussian king. Elevators are unheard of since they require technology.

No air-conditioning

Europeans claim they do not need since their houses are built of stone. I always tended to disagree. I fried my own bacon every morning as the sunshine streamed into our room.

Courtyards and gardens

Usually 1000 homeowners share a patch of land encircled by their homes. Since dogs have usually claimed the area first, Europeans are forced to flee their homes to search for their own green space. These lovely areas, known as garden homes are conveniently located beside roaring train tracks or chaotic superhighways. Here the Europeans relax in their own 3 X 3 paradise while being careful not to elbow their neighbors.

Gates

If the homes are freestanding with their own yard, the front and back yards are encircled by gates. Their fortifications prevent Europeans from receiving their daily newspaper, beer delivery or visits from the in-laws.

Kitchens

A European kitchen usually covers about 1/20 of the living area in a home. It conveniently accommodates the toaster and a small spoon. Restaurant owners have contracts with housing construction companies to make sure this ratio persists.

Roll Shutters

These are by far the best European invention ever to not catch on in North America. I simply cannot make fun of these. My beautiful wife and I have adorned every window of our house with roll shutters. They are weatherproof blinds that roll down the outside of your window. They prevent the sun's rays from heating your house in the summer while keeping the heat from escaping your home in the winter. For more literature on this amazing product, please send a cheque of $100.00 to Steve and Mary Pankiewicz for a free information booklet…

Stay tuned for chapter 3, entitled European Food and Drink…

Final European Trip Report
Chapter 3: Food and Drink
Hi again!
A German real estate agent has intercepted my Chapter 2 report on European housing. He claimed I have falsified reports regarding the construction of European homes and would like to see my sources. Unfortunately, before I could answer him, a terrible crash was heard over the phone line. It was only later that I found out that our real estate friend, in his frenzied state, smashed his head on a doorway and was knocked unconscious.
And now, the report on food and drink
The quality
North America has a great deal to learn. Not only does the European food look better, it tastes better. Chain restaurants are unheard of except for the occasional McDonald’s poisoning the atmosphere. Every culinary experience is unique and fascinating and adds many welcome pounds to the average torso.
The beer
Although Canadians are proud of their beer, we cannot compete with the Germans. My beautiful wife ordered a Masse in Germany. This is the equivalent of drinking the volume of an oil tanker. Although this beer aided in the digestion of her one foot in diameter pretzel, it also aided towards her intoxication. I was left wondering how a pleasant afternoon in a beer garden turned into a struggle for survival caring for a hungover wife.
The beer in Germany is labeled white beer, dark beer, pilsner or foreign crap. The flavours are outstanding and addictive. HOWEVER, some Europeans proudly pour POP into these works of art. This is quite popular among the deranged teenage crowd. In Canadian terms, that is the equivalent of mixing a sacred Tim Horton’s coffee with Sprite.
The pop
Pop costs more than beer or wine. Europeans have not discovered aluminum yet so all pop is found in antique coke bottles. This raises the cost of pop since many Europeans are hired to scrounge ancient pop bottle burial sites in Texas to recycle them into the European market.
The water
Never order water in a European restaurant. You will be charged at least three dollars. It is of course carbonated, which causes the average North American to belch for the rest of the evening. Ice cubes have to be imported from Norway, so they are scarce. Tap water, although drinkable is only available in the home of your host.
The wine
As a consumer of almost strictly beer, I am not at liberty to comment.
The breakfast
Europeans tend to eat from all the ten food groups for breakfast. This includes cheese, meat, more cheese, more meat, jam, nutella, fruit, yogurt, white bread and cardboard bread. The cardboard bread takes about 3 years to chew and is mixed with every conceivable grain found in the Western Hemisphere. Europeans claim this bread is good roughage, but I believe it is more helpful in dislocating a jaw.
The other meals
Breakfast is the important meal. If a North American does not eat breakfast, they will starve to death. The preparation of lunch and supper only result when a North American faintly cries out that they need nourishment. Sometimes a family will prepare a small lunch as a result. Other times, the family will place cakes, goodies, coffee, and tea on the table at precisely 16:00. However, most families seem to operate with a breakfast and a supper. A good way to overcome the hunger pangs is to salivate at a Gelato stand. Your host will usually buy you an ice cream not realizing that you are thankfully eating your midday meal. Supper is usually eaten at midnight so the resulting heartburn will keep you up all night…
Types of food
Cheese, as mentioned in past E-mails is a hit and miss. If is does not smell, it is good. If it smells, breath through your mouth while you chew. Wiener Schnitzel tastes better than it sounds, sausages are actual meat products and the pork rinds are the tastiest part of the meal. Barbequing does exist; however, because of scarce natural resources, the Europeans barbeque every conceivable meat on the grill at once. I actually consumed a meal of pork chops, chicken breast, bratwurst and ribs in one sitting. I am now on the most-wanted list of vegetarian fraternities everywhere…
How do Europeans stay slim?
With all this great food, one wonders how MOST Europeans weigh less than 100 pounds. Their society is not based on fast food, T.V. dinners or the Atkins diet. They seem to walk, cycle and run everywhere, only eat two meals a day and run up a hell of a lot of stairs.
When you perform a toast…
LOOK into the people’s eyes. I neglected to do this since I was too excited to down my latest litre of German beer. My dear wife only informed me towards the end of the trip that my North American barbarianism insulted countless guests.
Speed of eating…
I have been constantly reprimanded by my wife, sister, mother and father for eating too fast. However, picture a seagull being sucked into a jet engine. Europeans eat at this speed. I cannot understand how the society that produces the best food in the world consumes it without tasting it first.
No napkins
Europeans have an internal cleaning system that somehow keeps their face and hands clean while they eat. My wonderful wife and I were always last to finish eating so we were carefully watched as we handled our food. When a piece of food actually was caught in my eyebrow, our hosts politely ignored it.
Restaurant Etiquette
North Americans usually sit for hours at a time in a European restaurant because no one brings the bill. You have to request it. By that time, you are ready to order another meal. I think this is a conspiracy plotted by most restaurants to increase revenue. My lovely wife and I usually ordered a Turkish Donair at a local Turkish stand. This was much simpler.
Thanks for reading folks. Chapter 4 entitled Language and Chapter 5 entitled Transportation will be coming soon!
My brain is fried for today…

Final European Trip Report Chapter 4
Languages
Sorry it took a bit of time to send out this latest report. I was too busy at the post office trying to ship 10,000 napkins to Canadians traveling in Europe.
The German language as some of you are aware was the first language I ever learned. In fact, I could not speak a great deal of English until I enrolled myself in the nearest nursery school at the age of four. Gradually the English language took over my life. However, after moving to Ottawa, I found myself surrounded by a strange, new language that oozed out of people's mouths. To this day, the French language still sounds phonetically like this to me:
"Bleu,bleu pas bleu, bleu pas bleu…"
I soon found out that informing the French that I could not speak french with expressions like “Ich kann Ihnen nicht verstehen…bitte verschwinden Sie” worked very well. The guttural sound emitting from my larynx was sufficient for them to understand.
Yes, the German language is fierce. Even my own students wince when I bark at them in German. However, this fierceness proves efficient as well. Many words are combined to create a new, powerful word that stands above all other others. Usually insurance companies prefer this method. The sheer size and importance of the word would scare most German people into buying the type of insurance that was advertised.
Here are nine interesting facts about languages in Europe:
1. English is the “hip” language in most European countries. Many “hip” advertisements have their catchy slogans in English. A familiar sight on a billboard would read something like: “Zubenkrachen Sauerkraut ist GOOD FOR YOU HOMEBOY!”
2. The youth in Germany speak so fast that sentences actually sound like one long word. An example in English would be something like this: “IwenttothemalltodayandsawthecutestboystandinginthemusicstoreandIswearheactuallylooked mywayohmygodIcouldhavedied” Naturally, I gave up trying to understand their German and was thankful when their grandmother walked in the room.
3. Most Germans, Swiss and Austrians cannot understand each other even though they all speak German. In the past, all three countries decided to become distinct societies by manipulating the German language in a way they saw fit. Even within the countries, each province decided to manipulate the language even further so that eventually a word such as “Lederhosen” sounds like “Letmeoutofthese”
4. Of course, the Swiss took this one step further and decided to make their version of German completely incomprehensible to even their neighbors next door. No wonder they all live in peace there.
5. Of course greetings vary every 10 km you travel. This was purely created to distinguish a foreigner (in Europe this is someone who lives 10 km away from you) from a local. A wrong greeting usually results in a blank stare from most Europeans followed by, “can I help you?”
6. The French simply refuse to acknowledge any human being who has not greeted them properly in French. Even if the accent is foreign, you will have better luck grabbing their attention by stealing their cheese than trying to communicate with them verbally.
7. In Europe, most lyrics on pop radio are in English. Nothing is funnier than a German driving down the Autobahn singing “Baby, hit me one more time” at the top of their lungs.
8. Most Europeans can speak at least three languages. The Swiss pride themselves in having four official languages: German, French, Italian and a language no one has ever heard of. However, next year English will be the official second language taught in all Swiss schools. We still have not figured that one out yet...
9. Cereal boxes in Switzerland cover the area of a standard bedroom closet door since they have to accommodate so many languages.
I believe Europeans have spent too much time studying languages. Designing better bathrooms or how to stop cheese from reeking should be the compulsory courses instead.
Once again, thanks for reading folks! Chapter 5, entitled Transportation will be arriving in your inboxes shortly!

Steve Pankiewicz

Chapter 5: Transportation

My German-speaking friends have all responded and indicated they were pleased with my report of the German language. My French-speaking friends have disowned me.
The Trains
The Europeans have successfully, more that anyone else, figured out how to move millions of people every single day. There is an ultimate Lego set marketed, that allows the builder to construct all the train routes in Europe. It retails for just under $100,000.00.
As North Americans, we are privileged to ride first class with our Eurailpasses. This is quite a comfortable experience since we do not need to reserve our seats, sit beside someone with the body odor of a goat or listen to passengers speak offensive languages such as French. We also had enough room to store our luggage. Apparently, second-class passengers are only allowed to carry a toothbrush.
The European trains come in all shapes and sizes. The local trains carry you in non-air conditioned comfort between small towns at a pace slightly faster than a hedgehog in heat. This reminded me of Canada’s rail system.
The seats on Italian trains had enough butt room for a squirrel and enough shoulder width for a newborn infant. They accommodated roughly half of my 6’3” frame.
Most of the trains are electric. It is very unnerving to begin moving without hearing a single sound. Sometimes I wondered if a husky OktoberFest waitress was simply pushing our train from behind.
The high-speed trains offer an effective way to lose the Bratwurst you just consumed. Imagine the feeling you encounter right before leaving the ground in an airplane. Now imagine experiencing that feeling for hours at a time. At 300 km/h greenery is a green blur, towns fly by faster than you can pronounce them and cars on the Autobahn look stationary. Even a Canadian moose on the track would be no match for these babies although wildlife is extinct in Europe.
There were no children playing on any European train tracks since it would obviously kill them. They also want to avoid the waste from toilets that is handsomely sprayed all over the tracks.
Some trains are schizophrenic. They enter a station one way and then roll backwards upon departure. This confuses many Frenchman on board who end up falling off the end of the train instead of entering the dining compartment where they wanted to smoke. Other trains decide to split in half leaving yours truly wondering why everyone has exited the train and why the Oktoberfest waitress has not begun pushing.
Train Stations
These are the anthills of humanity. Never has the author seen more human beings at once than at these stations. They are self-sufficient cities. They offer restaurants, hotel, entertainment, flower shops and even 18-hole golf courses. The trains are but a mere distraction in these monstrosities.
The schedule boards change every 1.7 seconds. This is a nuisance for the average North American since by the time they find their listed train, a deadly whirring sound emits from the board. In a flurry that scares most of the homeless pigeons away, the numbers and letters re-orientate themselves. The new schedule board proudly announces that you are a stupid prick that should have known your departure details ahead of time.
The pride of European society has usually found a home outside a train station. Sometimes very talented buskers await your Euros but sometimes a stoned Dutchman reciting Grimm fairly tales is the norm.
Cars
German car dealerships are larger than our factories. German car factories are larger than Toronto. The preferred vehicles of choice are the Mercedes, BMW, Audi, or Volkswagen. The Germans simply acquire their automobiles by inserting 20,000-100,000 Euros in vending machines found at train stations.
Europeans have never heard of trucks so most of their luggage is sent by priority post to their desired location. Europeans have never heard of 4 X 4 vehicles either, so their version of offroading is to explore a nudist beach.
However, the Smart Car is the greatest invention on earth. It can fit horizontally, vertically, diagonally and forcefully into any parking space. It makes a Mini-Cooper look like a monster truck. Although only a two-seater, a complete flock of chickens can usually fit in the storage area.
Highways
Many highways have no speed limits. Although many of you are salivating at the thought of this, this is not a luxury. Upon reaching an insane teenage speed, there is always a car in the fast lane going much slower, impending your progress. At the same time, a high-speed train flies by you with grinning passengers onboard.
Gas Prices
May we never complain about our gas prices again. After an average fill-up at a European gas station, we could have financed our friend’s wedding.
City Roads
Since Europe was set up for non-motorized vehicles during most of its existence, urban roads are not meant for cars. There are no stop signs, few yields, very narrow sections and no straight lines. People prone to motion sickness accept their fate here, especially when encountering a roundabout. This is the European version of that spinny-thing in the playground from your childhood. After balancing on two wheels for eternity, our European drivers finally chose a direction. In the meantime, you have a newfound respect for centripetal forces as you peel your face from the window.
Cyclists
These dangers to society follow no rules and accept no one in their path. A pathetic ring of a bell usually signals that you are about to be run over. Apparently, a red path alongside each sidewalk is meant for cyclists. I believe it symbolizes the bloodshed and pure agony cyclists have bestowed upon hapless pedestrians over many centuries.
The bikes all look like nerdy Pee-Wee Herman bikes with the basket, headlight and bell. All they need now is E.T. sitting in the front…
Parking
Europeans like to park wherever and whenever they want. This usually results in cars found halfway over the curbs, in front of restaurant entrances, sitting on train tracks and being compounded at airport runaways.
There are special parking spots for single women at many large parking garages. I think this is a wonderful idea except for the fact that women cannot park.
Sirens
Sirens on emergency vehicles for all you musicians usually move up and down a perfect fourth. For all non-musicians, they sound like this: haw-hee, haw-hee, haw-hee... The problem with this melodic progression is, as the siren fades, the haw-hee becomes quite out of tune. For a musician, this is the equivalent of watching someone chew on tin foil.
Public Transportation
No one smiles on European public transportation. Even when I famously whistle through my teeth at them, they stare stone-faced wondering who the hell is interrupting their moment in paradise.
No one opens windows on European public transportation so the average North American tourist ends up being slowly deep-fried.
Musicians regularly find their way on public transportation to entertain the stone-faced crowd. The crowd remains stone-faced except when an accordion player enters their realm. Then they pay the musician to leave.
Understanding payment for public transportation involves a four-year University degree. Sometimes you buy a pass before you board and then validate the pass as you board and then present the pass to an undercover officer while you board and then lose the pass as you disembark. Sometimes you can even board free but if you are caught, a simple rain-dance will probably scare the undercover officer away.
So there you have it folks! The Final Chapter entitled European Ods and Ends is coming soon!

The Final European Trip Report Chapter 6: Odds and Ends
This is it folks. My last report about our European adventures. I appreciate the support and encouragement many of you have given me about my writing skills. I would not be writing these E-mails if I knew people were not enjoying them. Since we arrived back home from Europe over 1 week ago, I have been spending 2-3 hrs writing each chapter in my office. If any of you have not received all 6 chapters, please let me know. I also sent out 3 separate reports while I was in Europe. I had gracious hosts who allowed me to use their computers.
Traveling Europe was one of the best trips of our lives. We stayed with nine different families over the course of one month. These families were composed of relatives, exchange students who where once in my music classes and friends we met while staying at Bed and Breakfasts throughout North America. It was hard to leave each family since their hospitality was so amazing. Mary and I have a 50-page journal and over 600 pictures to help us remember our journey.
As an amateur writer, I feel traveling is a fascinating subject to explore. Naturally, any small cultural differences that we encountered in our journey were taken note of in my journal. All my writings have essentially heavily exaggerated what Mary and I found slightly unusual in Europe.
Our European friends have been receiving these E-mails as well. As we visited each one of them, they were already becoming aware of my reports. Everyone was in good humor and we all had a great time comparing our two countries.
Mary and I will fondly remember Europe for so many reasons but above else, the kindness and generosity of the people. Everywhere we went, the people attempted to communicate with us even when their knowledge of English was limited. They welcomed us in their homes and prepared scrumptious meals. I think European food and drink is far superior to ours. We have much to learn about the proper preparation of food. Fast-food chains are an embarrassment.
The European rail system is so efficient and environmentally friendly. Their cars are much smaller and less polluting. Most Europeans use bicycles and walk frequently, which attests to what great shape they are in!
Their array of cultures and languages is fascinating. It saddens me to see Canada having so many problems with two languages, yet Europe can thrive with so many. I will admit, I poked fun at the French language in some reports but in all honesty, I wish I knew how to speak it. Speaking German does not help me much in Ottawa.
Europe’s history is captivating. Canada should proud of having Europe as one of our founding fathers. Mary and I want to travel to the Canadian North next summer to learn more about the people who were already native to this beautiful land for thousands of years.
So, thank you Europe and its people…and now, the last Chapter
Chapter 6: Odds and Ends
Swiss Cantons
Switzerland is one of the smallest countries in the world. Yet, they have divided their country into 25 or more “cantons” which in Canadian language means provinces. Each canton has its own educational system and taxation system. Cantons are roughly the size of your grandmother’s garden.
Football (a.k.a Soccer)
The European pre-occupation of this “slow-motion hockey” continues to astound me. However, their devotion to the sport is astronomical. Weddings, funerals and even the release of Bill Clinton’s autobiography are some of the casualties that suffer scheduling problems as the result of an important football match on the television.
Graffiti
Europeans tend to decorate everything in tasteful graffiti. Even restaurant menus, office chairs and the faces of politicians have not escaped this form of modern art.
Red-light Districts
Let us just say that St. Catherine Street in Montreal (for those of you familiar with it) now seems as harmless as a McDonald’s Playground area to me compared to what I encountered in Europe.
Cleanliness
The three hundred second rule (instead of the 3-second rule) applies before you pick up anything off the ground in Germany, Austria or Switzerland. However, millions of people might have stepped on it by then!
Relaxed Laws
Walking around with open alcohol is acceptable. I agree with this except Europeans should not be given glass bottles. Public nudity in parks and beaches is acceptable. I agree with this except when the only gender present is male. Traffic laws do not exist…
Dress
Europeans are much more fashionable than we are, especially their shoes. They tend to wear every color of the rainbow on their feet. They also do not wear shorts or hats. I really stood out like a sore thumb in that regard with my Tilley Hat and jungle safari shorts. Their eyeglasses are twice the size of ours, which creates some interesting proportions. However, I will not delve into this subject much further since I have the worst fashion sense in the world.
Churches
Most villages, towns and cities begin with the church in the middle encircled by rows upon rows of houses, businesses and tourists. The architecture in some of these churches is gorier than a 17-year old boy devouring pizza. Since religion is a touchy issue, I will leave my comments at that…
Graveyards
The graves are morbidly beautiful. Unlike many of the shameful graveyards found in the North America, their graves are each meticulously cared for with rows upon rows of flowers and other religious artifacts.
Castles
The moated ones are the best. A medieval playground awaits every tourist provided the lowered drawbridge does not collapse.
Music
As a musician, I could go on about this forever. However, I will limit my comments to one. Austria has the best weather channel music in the world. Cameras mounted on almost every peak of the Austrian Alps give live updates on how the clouds are feeling. This is accompanied by the most cheerful “yodelaayeeoo” music I have ever heard!
“Handy phones”
I did not know what the hell these things were until it finally clicked. Cell phones! Every person in Europe has at least 4 handy phones and misplaces them about 4 times daily. This equates to at least 1 hour each day spent looking for the phones that are supposed to be handy…
Department Stores
I have always feared large department stores. However, the Europeans have the right idea. There are bars located right beside the women’s lingerie sections in most department stores. Husbands such as I frequent them.
Taxes
What you see is what you get! Even though the taxes on most goods and services in Europe are close to 97.5%, they have the decency to mark the final price right on the product. This is in conjunction with most tourist offices that claim the heart attack rate among tourists in Europe (who by the way always outnumber the local population in the summertime) is much lower.
Pillows
Europeans stuff their pillows with anything but feathers. This causes the North American head to either sink drastically or connect with a substance far more dense than most skulls.
Telephone Numbers
I think North Americans would have far more success cracking a safe than dialing the correct telephone number. European telephone numbers usually range in size from five to seven thousand digits. However, it does not matter if you still cannot find the handy…
Service Industry
Since post-secondary education is relatively free in many European countries, many teenagers do not feel the need to find jobs. Therefore, the service industry is staffed by anyone experiencing a mid-life crisis. They feel the recitation of “would you like fries with that?” makes them feel young again.
And finally…for those of you yearning to experience European culture but not being able to find the time or money to do so…here is a suggestion:
Rent Pirates of the Caribbean in German. Even if you cannot speak the language, the German translation has misinterpreted the main character. Jonny Depp, I kid you not, is portrayed as a gay pirate.
Thanks for reading everyone! Enjoy the last few weeks of summer!
Steve Pankiewicz