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Hi folks!
Monday, April 16, 2007 and I have a snow day! Yep, they call this particular
storm a Nor’easter. It is basically a polite way for us Canadians to blame the
States instead of our own country for cold, miserable weather.
Anyway, I couldn’t be happier. I’ve been catching up on all my school work today
and now finally have the opportunity to write a trip report about our March
Break experience in Hawaii. I have been notorious for not writing trip reports
after March Break holidays. The problem is of course no down time upon our
arrival back home. Christmas and summer holidays always give me some breathing
room.
So here we go…
We left on Saturday, March 10th with atmospheric conditions bordering on
catastrophic. Yes, it was indeed a famous Ottawa Valley freezing rain
extravaganza. I sat in a ballet studio playing piano to accompany fine young
dancers during the majority of this climatically challenged day. Apparently, my
eyes followed the cloud cover through the window much more intently than the
dancers. This caused tempo fluctuations that nearly resulted in numerous
semi-fatal collisions between the aspiring young ballerinas. Fortunately, I left
the studio unscathed and hurried home to pack…
God bless our neighbour Earl! This is the kind of neighbour people only read
about in scholarly publications depicting the long lost art of human generosity.
Not only did this retired military pilot drive us safely to the airport, he made
us forget about the possibility of a delayed or cancelled flight. His stories of
travel put my little trip reports to shame. This man has led a fascinating life!
Mary knows how to pack liquids. She measures to the millilitre the amount of
hand sanitizer, lip gloss, Crown Royal and other liquid carry-on necessities to
just below the legal limit. We had almost the entire airport staff gathered
around her fascinated. After the photo session ended, we made it through
security without incident.
Never order pizza at an airport. The pizza was so thin that my pizza eating hand
was visible through the crust. Conventional consumption was no longer an option.
The only way I was able to eat my slice was to roll it up and stuff it into my
mouth. Fortunately, there was no topping spillage or as Mary likes to call it
“crusties” around my mouth afterwards. I was an elite diner in her eyes for that
moment only.
We did not get the emergency exit seats for our flight to Vancouver. To make
matters worse, the lady in front of me promptly reclined her seat. I was able to
study her hair follicles discreetly without disturbing her selfish quest for
airline comfort. PLEASE, ladies and gentlemen…ask the person behind you first
before you recline. It really makes the flight unbearable for people like me…To
make matters worse, “Happy Feet” was the in-flight movie. I am not a fan of
watching computer-generated penguins who dance like Sammy Davis Jr. There was no
meal served during the 5-hour flight so I took drastic measures and began eating
the wrapper the corn chips came in.
Mary and I passed the time discussing what kind of new car to purchase. The man
next to Mary listened intently to our conversation without permission. My latest
GM fatality will be my last. American cars and other makes built in North
America have lost my confidence due to gaskets that don’t stop leaking and
quality that doesn’t stop sucking. Mary and I eventually settled on purchasing
the Honda Fit (built in Japan). It has been an amazing car already and I
actually “fit” in it! Check out pictures of the car online…you won’t believe how
small yet versatile it is!
We stayed in Vancouver overnight at the Fairmount (whose price is ridiculously
unfair). This was convenient though, as it was located adjacent to the terminal.
However, the pool area looked directly onto the main terminal passenger area. It
provided visual stimulus to weary travellers IF supermodels were present.
However, only my near-naked gorilla-like 210 pound frame graced their line of
vision as I attempted to dive into the consistent depth of a 4-foot pool.
We ate at a Chinese restaurant in the terminal with half of China’s population.
For some strange reason, I neglected to purchase a drink believing my lovely
wife would share hers with me. Food at that moment was more important that
liquid. However, my radiant wife chose not to share her drink so I dumped cold
water on her while she bathed later that evening. That was the only skirmish we
had for the whole vacation…
Our hotel did have some technological marvels. Anything that ran on electricity
could be operated by a central control box on my night table. I was able to
plunge the entire hotel room into complete silence and darkness as Mary stepped
out of the shower the next morning without leaving the comfort of my bed. Ah
yes, a second skirmish was possible, but did not materialize.
The line-ups at customs and subsequently Tim Hortons the next morning were
almost too much to bear. Fortunately, the line-up somehow snaked its way through
the duty-free shop and was distracting enough to pass the time more quickly. The
six hour flight to Hawaii was uneventful with the exception of Mary’s consistent
drooling while watching Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.
Upon our arrival in Honolulu, we were shuttled to our car rental agency. It
appeared very disorganized as we watched 7-year olds given keys to Corvettes and
senior citizens being told only a full-sized Hummers was left. Somehow we were
upgraded to a Dodge Stratus for our patience. Mary’s inspection of the dents
seems more complicated than a lobotomy. The diagram of the car she presented to
the agency afterwards resembled Tupac’s body after experiencing a hail of
bullets.
Our initial hotel room was on the top floor with “extended floor space.” This
was a direct result of the top floor having the only rooms without balconies.
The floor to ceiling permanently shut windows provided filthy panoramic views of
Waikiki’s skyline. The air conditioning decided to malfunction as well and
without a window to open…
We re-located to another room two floors below with a balcony. Our view was
awe-inspiring, especially of the atomically correct male genitalia shaped pool
22 floors down (see picture). However, the a/c in this room didn’t work either
but we were too tired to rectify this latest inconvenience. We opened the
balcony doors wide and slept with the sound of Waikiki traffic throughout the
night.
We awoke to the sounds of Waikiki garbage trucks that seemed to be stuck in
reverse. We all know that sound…
Hawaiian words haaaaveeeee many voooweeeels in them which occasionally makes
them very difficult to read. In fact, the street name of our hotel resembled
approx. 5 other Waikiki streets. The only exception was ours had 7 more e’s and
12 more u’s.
Waikiki beach is not for the faint of heart. A solid mass of human flesh covers
every square foot of sand. Half of this mass flesh gathering carries ukuleles
(there are those vowels again) while the other half attempts to stay afloat with
surfboards. Only the first 5 meters from shore are foot friendly for swimmers.
Then the lava rock rears its ugly form and attempts to slash the webbing between
your sensitive toes. Garbage cans are buried in the sand and fire trucks hurry
past with surfboards instead of ladders attached. Watching the surfers was
mildly entertaining but most were amateurs and seemed to fall flat on their face
after a few seconds…
The “boardwalk” is essentially an auto-congested street with an “ABC Store” at
every corner. These ABC stores are a powerful franchise operation and
predictably offer identical merchandise in each store. This didn’t stop my
stunning wife who explored each one of them. She didn’t care if the only
difference between them was five instead of four bags of honey-dipped macadamia
nuts that were in stock.
Japan has taken over Hawaii or at least Waikiki Beach in Honolulu. We were in
the minority for most of our visit. That of course leads to scrumptious Asian
food. So we decided to eat at Denny’s for one of our first meals…
I used to enjoy country fried steak until Mary ultimately spoiled it for me. If
you would have asked me to describe it before the onslaught of Mary’s verbal
assault, it is simply an excellent cut of beef fried to a golden crisp in yummy
herbs and spices and then covered with a smooth, piping hot white gravy. Mary
described it as slimy fat, fried in fat, covered with fat. She has a way of
destroying every food a man holds dear. Don’t even ask me what she has said
about hot dogs…
Denny’s aside, the most memorable part of our Hawaiian vacation was eating a
massive plate of Sushi bought from a tiny little restaurant near our hotel. We
supplemented this raw extravaganza with pineapple wine and feasted in the warm
air blowing across our balcony (see picture) You know those amazing moments in
life that you never forget? This was one of them…
We saw a parade that first day (jetlagged since Hawaii is 6 hours behind Ottawa
because daylight savings time is non-existent). It was fascinating how many
cultures actually live in harmony on this island. Asia was actually much closer
to us than Ottawa. Japanese teenagers presumably visiting from a school put on a
high powered dance routine, elderly Korean women performed a gracefully dance
and the local marching bands were phenomenal. I could not imagine teaching
marching to my own bands. I’m grateful enough that they don’t fall off their
risers while playing…
I have to talk about foot washing stations along any civilized urban public
beach. They just don’t work. I cautiously approach one of these each time
concerned I’d end up sandier than I started. The sand merely transfers to harder
to reach crevices. My feet of course remain wet and attract much more
undesirable debris than the tiny grains that previously occupied that area. You
end up soaked, walking down an urban street, wondering if a second dip in the
ocean would clean you off. Of course, at that point the vicious cycle starts
over again.
Breakfasts are advertised as $1.99 for bacon, eggs, pancakes and toast which
seems like a helluva deal until you are charged $3.99 for the coffee. McDonald’s
offered no such surprises and its tropical location in Hawaii led to an award
winning photograph. Please see picture!
The traffic on the island of Oahu (vowel alert) is monstrous in proportion. Over
one million people live in Honolulu and Waikiki Beach with a massive
infrastructure to serve them. A round the clock rush hour is common consisting
of convertibles, rental cars and limousines. This clogging of tropical arteries
if you will is not shown on Hawaiian Five-O, Magnum P.I. or Lost…
Speaking of Lost, humor me and listen to this tale. Mary is obsessed with that
particular T.V. show and when she discovered a month prior to our departure that
it was filmed on locations across Oahu, comprehensive Internet research began.
Well, we ended up locating their main set (where the plane wreck survivors built
camp) and this beach was quite easily accessible to the public. Somehow we ended
up being the only tourists who were mad enough to find this secret shoot and
were politely steered away as filming was in progress. Apparently we could have
stayed and watched but we were in the main sightline of Evageline Lilly and she
had motioned for us to be removed. I of course managed to get a glimpse of that
very hot Korean actress before being escorted away. All was not Lost though as
Mary had already dragged our sorry asses to this beach one day earlier while
they were not shooting. I have never envisioned taking pictures of plane seats
in the sand as artistically rewarding but it was. The next time you folks watch
Lost, here is something to consider. A main road runs right behind the “camp”
and beach houses are everywhere. The cameras manipulate our senses into
believing this is an isolated beach.
Our digital camera is currently in repair. It should be tied to a stake and
burned alive. It took memorable pictures alright if you consider every shot
lined with a mysterious blue blue/green halo. We figure it was the humidity…
Weather on the island changes every five kilometres. It was actually fascinating
to experience bright sunshine followed by torrential rain. It was even more
enjoyable to see tourists caught in that torrential rain while we basked inside
our Dodge.
So we also saw where Jurassic Park and King Kong were filmed. This information
was provided to us free of charge at a Macadamia Nut stand. This nut is the most
delicious of nuts. The Hawaiians season it with everything from garlic to
toffee. We purchased many of these nuts at the ABC stores. Pineapples are of
course the other Hawaiian delicacy. At the Honolulu airport, they were sold in
convenient carry-on cases of 3 for only $25.00 U.S. Hundreds of mostly Asian
tourists were buying them. We simply bought a pineapple at our local grocery
store for $2.99 Cdn once we arrived back home and felt just as nostalgic.
Of course we had to visit the Dole Pineapple Plantation Plant. The gift store
itself was larger than our hotel. For $10.00 U.S, you could ride the Pineapple
Express, a slow moving train that provided up close views of pineapple plants.
We chose to watch other tourists foolishly spend their money while we later
found acres of pineapple fields.
Body surfers are actually more fun to watch than board surfers. These brave
souls faced massive waves with only flippers as protection, especially at one
beach we found on the north shore. This was entertainment at its finest watching
human bodies being tossed around effortlessly by mother nature. Unfortunately,
my gorgeous wife refused to let me join the caravan of gleaming white bodied
overweight male tourists towards the water. I was only allowed to feels the
remnants of a monster wave trickle over my feet seconds after its powerful force
confirmed the manliness of the lucky schmucks in front of me.
I’ve got a secret folks. There is a huge part of Hawaii that tourism officials
do not want you to see. Yep, you guessed it…locals without a permanent
residence. Mary and I could not believe it. All along the west shore of Oahu,
makeshift tent cities sprawl across pristine beaches. Since real estate is so
expensive, these people have decided to secure their own real estate. I’m not
sure if they are employed but the hundreds that we saw looked like they were
having a great deal of fun. Bonfires sprang up everywhere as the sun set… It was
quite a contrast from the high rise condos and luxury houses making their way up
the foot of the mountains across the rest of the island.
Mary and I stopped and swam near one of these settlements. Since we didn’t have
beach chairs, Mary confidently dug a hole in the sand and settled herself in. As
I swam, I secretly wished that the tide would creep up just far enough to fill
up her makeshift chair. As she sat in a peaceful daze, it did. However, driving
a wife home with a wet bum was not worth the previous entertainment. She was
grumpy…
One of the best breakfasts I’ve ever had folks. Macadamia/walnut/pecan pancakes.
Mind you, 4000 calories later I could barely walk out the restaurant…
We explored a park called Wakema (where Mary excitedly informed me they filmed a
scene from Lost at the waterfall). I have never seen so much tropical vegetation
in one place. We even managed to swing on some vines to completely peg us as
tourists from the frozen north.
Aloha stadium was the site of a huge flea market. Everything in my opinion was
tacky and kitschy, especially the floral patterned luggage. The only thing that
interests me in a flea market is the food. However, I must put my wife on a huge
pedestal. She is not a huge shopper and doesn’t endlessly browse though every
store. Everything begins to look the same anyways. Both of us loathe tacky
souvenirs and believe photographs and memories are the best way to remember a
trip. I must actually admit that Mary is a pleasure to shop with.
One of the most unique features of Oahu are the volcanic craters. One called the
punchbowl has been turned into a military cemetery for soldiers who have died in
wars staged in the Pacific. Another is entitled Diamond Head where we hiked to
the summit. It was a fairly easy hike until we faced the last set of almost 100
stairs. It was worth it for the view of Waikiki Beach. It was even more worth it
on our way down when we gleefully told exhausted tourists heading up that the
worst was yet to come… Some of these tourists wore flip-flops and seemed to
regret their sense of fashion at that moment.
One culinary delight that we always partake in while visiting the U.S.A. are
flaming red hot Cheetos. Not only do they accelerate your demise but help you
burn calories while consuming them. I snuck quite a handful of them one
afternoon while Mary was napping. I have learned after seven years of marriage
that allowing Mary to have an afternoon nap during a vacation is very important
in maintaining a healthy relationship. I even opened the balcony door so she
wouldn’t shiver in the 64 degrees Fahrenheit setting I had the A/C on. (I love
to sleep in a cold room…that was one compromise Mary had agreed to as long as we
bought her a goose-down duvet) I went for a long walk after consuming my red hot
Cheetos and wondered why people stared at me. As I returned to the hotel to walk
up my snoozing wife, two things happened. I discovered Mary was not alone in the
room. Two pigeons were happily walking around our hotel room. Mary was
slumbering away oblivious. At about the same time, I saw myself in a mirror and
to my horror, discovered Cheeto debris had very noticeably and heavily crusted
on both corners of my mouth. Fortunately, I took care of both situations before
my wife even woke up…
As a side note, did you know that earplugs actually expire?, chickens randomly
walk around beaches all over Hawaii?, the Japanese in Hawaii are afraid of
horses?, ABC stores give you a free mug if you spend over $200.00?, British
children push all the buttons in elevators?, old men love singing Eye of the
Tiger in karaoke bars?, safety deposit boxes always malfunction in hotel rooms?,
wild boar hunting exists?, The things we discovered…wow.
Wildlife on the island of Oahu was fairly limited to tourists, vendors and tour
guides. However, we did see a mongoose, an egret on a cow and a red-headed
cardinal so all was not lost. However, in the water was a different story…Mary
and I have snorkelled in many locals and must say that a tourist trap called
Hunamo Bay was the best. Although we had sit through a very elementary video
asking tourists not to litter or eat coral, it was a breathtaking experience.
Mind you, some of the coral was so large, it was impossible to swim over it. At
one point, I had to walk. Mary tried to swim over it and managed to beach
herself. When your wife is in distress, you should help. Instead, I was quite
fascinated seeing my sexy wife flail her arms and desperately kick her legs to
free herself from the clutches of the evil living rock. I burst out in laughter
along with a rather large man swimming beside me. Later on a I received a Smurf
Bite from my wife which is essentially pinching a rather large section of skin
and then twisting. Ah, but it was worth it see my wife in such peril…
One of our best meals besides the Sushi on the Balcony was a chain restauraunt
called the Yard House. It had over 100 different beers on tap. Problem was we
were both ID’ed and Mary didn’t have hers with her. I really wanted beer. The
manager told us the first round was on him if I ran back 2 kilometers to the
hotel room and retrieved Mary’s ID. We had already ordered the first round and
it was a sampler ($12.95 U.S. each). It was the most rewarding run of my life…
Mind you, the coffee and hazelnut flavoured beers were questionable but Mary
enjoyed them! The meal was great too! I had pizza while Mary discovered a
multitude of raw fish on her Caesar salad. Dessert was of course Macadamia Nut
cheesecake.
One of the best things to do on Waikiki beach is walk through all the fancy
hotel lobbies at night and walk past all the flaming torches along the street.
It truly confirms that you are on vacation. I guess it helps if you’ve consumed
enough samplers at the Yard House beforehand. I’m sure we entered countless
“guest only” sections of hotels.
Okay, Pearl Harbor, First of all, forget trying to find parking if you arrive
after 9:00 in the morning. We had to come on a different day and line up at 7:00
a.m. The ferry ride to the Arizona Memorial was free and well worth the wait. I
won’t go on about the history of Pearl Harbour but let me just mention one
thing. The Arizona Memorial is built right over the sunken battleship. It is
eerie to stand there and look down. What amazed us was that the ship is still
leaking oil, about a quart a week. The oil symbolizes the tears of hundreds of
men whose bodies still lay in the wreckage of the battleship. Retrieval of all
bodies was not possible so these soldiers remained in a watery grave.
I would end this trip report with some more of my silly humor but I just can’t
after writing that last paragraph. Pearl Harbor was truly one of the most moving
experiences I have ever felt. I believe the Americans have done an amazing job
honouring those fallen men and women. What struck Mary and I the most was that a
jazz band whose had just won a competition the night prior to the attack, all
perished the next morning on the Arizona. It hit home to us how life can
suddenly change overnight. I’m glad they did not die in vain. God bless our own
troops in Afghanistan.
